Why do we do this to ourselves?

There is one main thing that I cannot stand about us women: when we start to like a guy, we become dumb. I'm not suggesting we literally lose brain cells, but when I have a new crush, it's like all of my intelligence momentarily goes away. I hate when we women lose all of our smarts, whether it be physically looking out for yourself, or even who we'd be dating in the first place.

I see so many girls with such high ambitions and drive, and then once they get into a relationship, it's like all of their independence flutters away. I am guilty of this as well, but it pains me to see my friends go through this absence of intelligence, too.

Is there any way we can avoid this? Is there any way we can just... not sacrifice our education or our boldness or our values for a guy?

Seriously, what is it about guys that make us so crazy? Another one of life's little mysteries...

School has begun.

Have you noticed the lack of posts? There is a reason for this... and that is school.

I am already taking in a bit too much. I'm not overwhelmed, but I am highly aware that I have a few too many things on my plate. My first round of articles that I am editing are due tomorrow by 3pm, and thus begins the editor's editing process. Intense! I am excited, but I really, really hope that the material is good. I will be very disappointed if all of my writers fail me. I'm extremely optimistic, especially since their topics are so great for this week.

Although classes started on Monday, I still feel like I'm in a haze. I am simply going through the motions of school and learning instead of actually getting in the zone.

I just wrote most of my first article though, so thankfully that's out of the way.

More details about my life later... Just no time right now! Not to mention I'm not even feeling philosophical, so... we'll see when my next post is.

Johnny & June

I have been fascinated with Johnny Cash for many, many years. His music has such truth to it, as well as such simplicity that I don't understand how some do not like his songs.

What has continued to astound me about Johnny Cash was his love for June Carter Cash. Their love story was such a twisted atypical romance, where it seems like Johnny depended on June for everything from major struggles to simple day-to-day tasks. June was the one who helped Johnny kick his longtime drug habit, and it was June who also wrote some of his most popular songs (such as "Ring of Fire").
I really admire June Carter Cash for her strength while dealing with Johnny's mess. She had such damage from two previous husbands and a child from each marriage before she even married Johnny. She was able to break apart from her family's fame and find success on her own terms. She played many musical instruments, enrolled in acting classes, and was funny to boot. She was the real deal.

How did Johnny deserve someone so good? He had so much emotional baggage from his childhood, an apathetic father, and many addictions he had to break. June was so patient with him, and she was able to get through to him unlike anyone else.

While their love story worked for the two of them, is it good for her to be so strong and for him to be the dependent? She really was independent and was able to take care of herself. She was strong. She had a good head on her shoulders. She didn't need to bring herself down with Johnny... so why did she deal with it?

Not saying that their marriage wasn't right, because I don't believe that, but I would think it would be hard to stay strong every day for the man she loved.

In the song, "Johnny and June" by Heidi Newfield, she glorifies their relationship by stating she wants a love just as strong as theirs. I can't decide if I could be happy being June Carter Cash to someone's Johnny. As much as I would love to walk the line for someone, I would not be able to handle the daily struggles as June encountered. She was a strong woman - I can't argue that.

Let's Get Physical

I just went on a walk. After only 20 minutes, I was done. I had a pain in my side, I was short of breath... I am not an old woman, so why does my body act like I am? Again, it's time to cleanse the body and with the school year starting, I am actually excited to make my own meals and create some healthy snacks for throughout the day.

My goal is to be a comfortable size 6 by graduation in December. This means I can't go out to eat often, and if I do, I have to pick a healthy meal. My downfall for the past two weeks has been going to dinner, and then ordering dessert on top of that. Thankfully, I really won't have the money for dessert and dinner unless I make it myself. It's time to streamline my eating, and pump up the exercise.

My school schedule allows that my entire mornings are free, so that means I have no excuse but to wake up, work out, then shower and get ready for the rest of my day. I know my body will thank me for it.

In addition, let me just shout out to the Adam Carolla podcast. Whenever I go on a walk, I usually listen to Adam and Teresa Strasser complaining about who knows what for the day. Not to mention, they have the best comedians on and discuss important issues. I personally love when Ed Begley Jr. is on to bring awareness about environmentally-friendly living. The Adam Carolla podcast helps me pass the time as I walk so I don't feel like my songs are just running in one ear and out the other. Not to mention it's the number 1 podcast on iTunes...and has been for a while. And it's free! Can you really go wrong?

Summer. Past Tense.

Sorry it's been three days since I last updated... I kinda haven't noticed it's been that long...

In recent developments, my roommate got a kitten two days ago! It's adorable, yet scratches like none other. But it has super blue eyes, and black/brown fur. She's so tiny that she's probably the size of a 5x7 photograph. Her little meows are adorable, though! They don't even sound like a real cat.
It's so tiny! She slept next to me last night, but I woke up many times to her standing on my head or biting my ear. We're working on disciplining her... haha. Right now, a squirt water bottle is going to be her reprimand.

Also, I worked last night with my good friend Paul and he said something about how summer was great. I said "Summer WAS great? Paul, summer is over! Oh noooooooooooo!" (or maybe something slightly less dramatic than that...). I cannot believe summer is already over. Actually, officially for four more days, it isn't. But school starts on Monday. I have 19 credits this semester, with four of them dealing with the Liberty Champion (our student newspaper).

I'm sure I'll be busy, and I know I'll be working two-three days a week along with working with the paper constantly. I know I'll get everything done, but it's time to get my head in the game. I have all of my books, but other than that, I am not prepared for this new school year. I think I am going to be grabbing some syllabuses later today (gross).

Deep breath. It's time for my last semester of college EVER. Oh, dear, so excited. :)

Piece of Fiction

The following is a short story, a piece of fiction, entitled "Boy Meets Girl Again."

He knocked on her door with his usual rap-rap-rapping, just as he always had before. He was strangely confident, but he did not know why. Knocking again, with a certain pattern, he took a deep breath as he heard footsteps coming closer to the door.
She opened the door, smiled, and invited him in.
He immediately noticed her apartment had been completely reconfigured. Furniture was rearranged, new paint adorned the walls, and she was wearing a new, more polished outfit. The apartment was much more put together than he realized. He thought of his own apartment, with no noticeable changes made to it in the past two years since he moved in.
She walked into the kitchen, leaving him to follow behind, and she started making tea using the teapot he had bought her four months ago at a yard sale. She asked him if he wanted some, and he happily agreed. Seeing the teapot renewed his feelings for her, as she had kept the teapot all this time.
Once the tea was poured, they both sat near each other to catch up on each others' lives. As soon as she sat down, the awkwardness ensued. Not knowing what to ask, or where to start, their tea was sipped in silence. She daintily put down her teacup and opened the refrigerator to start a cheese plate for the two of them. As she opened the refrigerator, he finally noticed the ring that shone bright from her left-hand ring finger. His heart sank instantly.
Without thinking, he stood up, shifting his weight from one foot to another. Turning around, she looked at him in a confused manner. He mustered up enough sense to nervously wave goodbye to her without saying another word.
She shrugged her shoulders, puzzled but not distraught. She noticed a piece of paper on the table in front of where he had been sitting. She opened the piece of paper to see "I am still in love with you" written in his familiar handwriting. She folded the note, sighed, and threw the piece of paper away. As much as their history flooded her brain in that moment that she read his words, she knew that was the past and that was it. She could only move forward, and it was time for him to do the same.

Moment by Moment

Sometimes there are days where I feel my breath getting caught in my chest. My emotional state can sometimes take the very wind out of me. There are, unfortunately, things I wish I could get out of my system and out of my memory.

They say that men think of things like waffles, and girls see things like spaghetti. In this example, men are able to compartmentalize their emotions, their feelings about people, or work, etc. Women, on the other hand, feel all of their feelings about every subject all at once - just like spaghetti is intertwined.

I wish I was able to compartmentalize my feelings. It would be much easier to not let certain feelings overrule how I feel throughout the day or dictate the fulfillment of my day.

People always tell me that I'm so strong, but when it comes to just me, by myself, I feel so broken down. My walls are only down to myself, and in that vulnerability, I can see so many flaws or tiny fractions of memories that I thought were tucked away that unfortunately come to the surface during my solitude. Things I should be over, things I shouldn't care about, things I thought I didn't obsess over. Apparently it is only when I am with people that all of those feelings go away, but when I am by myself, it is when I am the worst off. Perhaps it is like they say, that people can become their own worst enemy. I feel like my thought process brings out the worst in me at times. I become the weakest, or the most vengeful, or the pettiest.

Deep breaths remind me that I'm still battling. Deep breaths are the only external thing that show the internal struggle. Deep breaths help me work through the pain that has become my own guarded tower during my loneliness.

Dear friend.

Dear friend,

so if you wanna burn yourself remember that I love you
and if you wanna cut yourself remember that I love you
and if you wanna kill yourself remember that I love you
call me up before your dead, we can make some plans instead
send me an IM, I'll be your friend

Love, Abby

[Courtesy of "Loose Lips" by Kimya Dawson]

Music soothes my soul.

It's funny how different a song can be from the first time you discover it to the 1,000th play on your iTunes. Music transforms from that initial listen and can change its meaning over time.

For instance, the song "Skeleton Key" by Margot and the Nuclear So-And-So's originally was considered a love song to me. I used to think it was a praise song, written by a guy for a wonderful girl who was always there for him (Just like a skeleton key is the foundational key for a house - she was his foundational girl, always having his back). After listening to the song again and again, I realized the song was really about a girl who was plain and didn't affect him as much as I had dreamed. In the song, the girl basically changed her life and left another man to be with the singer. She attended to him night and day, and yet the singer doesn't even care for her. One verse states, "I miss you less and less every day/ The stream of whiskey's helped to wash you away/ And it's clear to see, you're nothing special/ You're a skeleton key." - What once was considered a special reserved position, that of the skeleton key, is now a worthless title. Being a skeleton key is bland and unimportant.

To hear the song, click below :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzd6MSh9u_w

Some songs, on the other hand, remain the same and cannot be changed, regardless of the meaning or who the song represents. Songs like "Cooler Than Me" by Mike Posner could not be more obvious about its meaning. He essentially spouts off about a girl who thinks she is on a pedestal and should be worshiped. Posner even hits on the fact that she's insecure by the way she adds makeup and wears the hottest clothes. Posner sings, "I got you all figured out/ You need everyone's eyes just to feel seen/ Behind your makeup, nobody knows who you really are/ Who do you think that you are?" Clearly a slam song, there is no way to mess up the interpretation.

I love when certain songs remind me of certain people, and it cracks me up when songs that traditionally are meant to remind me of someone good are actually songs that slam them in the process. I used to think "Linger" by the Cranberries was a love song and it meant so much to me when I was dating someone, and the song isn't celebrating love - it's about a girl who is hurt after losing someone she cares about.

Music reflects the way I feel, and it also helps me deal with some internal struggles. I can't help but think how people misinterpret songs all the time, with unintentional hurt. Danny Bonaduce's then-wife was attempting to be sweet by singing him "Best of You" by the Foo Fighters, when really that song is about a girl sucking the life out of a guy and how the girl is toxic. Hey, she tried. :)

Nashville, TN

So, here I am in Nashville, TN visiting my pal Erica (http://thewanderingyellow.tumblr.com/). She's been here all summer working for a talent artist representative management company for her internship. Since she needed some help moving back her stuff to Virginia, I decided to visit for a mini-vacation and get out of VA.Yesterday, we actually ran into a bunch of car trouble with Erica's vehicle. We went in for an oil change and instead had over $800 in issues with her car (from brake pads to tire bearings)! So after three hours of sitting in the waiting area (while watching Jerry Springer and Maury -- DNA Testing results! Yes!), we finally got her car back and functional.

Last night, we visited a restaurant called Jackson's that has cookie dough egg rolls. We tried the dessert (and I tried some tacos del mar - yummy!) and hung with her friend Daniel. It was nice to see a little bit of the area and to observe the people who lived in Nashville.

After being exhausted from driving yesterday and seeing some of the sights, we both went to sleep very easily. Thankfully we went to sleep early, because we had an 8:15am wake up call this morning to visit Pancake Pantry (apparently it's a big touristy spot and celebrities go there).

Above, you see the line out of the door - We only waited about 15 minutes (and we were at the doors when we started to stand in line) and I'm thankful we didn't have to wait very long. At one point while we were eating, the line was around the corner! The wait was worth it though - the breakfast was delicious!
I got chocolate chip pancakes (my sister will not be surprised by that, haha) and Erica got a raspberry waffle. Her friend Mike got a ham omelet with buttermilk pancakes on the side. And delicious coffee for him and me!
After a filling breakfast, we walked and shopped at a couple stores along the same street as Pancake Pantry. I got the most amazing beaded belt from a store called Pangaea. I am super pumped to wear it with the majority of my outfits.

Then, a quick stop to Centennial Park to visit the Parthenon and some weeping willow trees. But it's so hot that we couldn't stand it outside for long! It's about 105 degrees now... yikes!
Who knows what we'll be doing for the rest of the night... once it cools off, we'll be hitting the streets again! :)

Harold and the Purple Crayon

I have many different purple pens. I love them. Not because of the color of the pens, or the feel of the pens in my hand, but I think that the reason lies in one of my favorite childhood books, "Harold and the Purple Crayon." For some reason, no one my age has heard of "Harold and the Purple Crayon," which just breaks my heart. It's such an imaginative book, and all of the control rests in Harold's tiny hands.

To those who haven't read the book, it's such a simple read (it might not even have words in it - heck, I don't remember) yet it unlocks the imagination and creativity in your mind.

In a completely unrelated topic, last night I had a long conversation with a good friend. He had many intuitive statements to make about my demeanor, one of which I never really noticed until he pointed it out. When I discuss something that is angering or upsetting to me, I usually smirk or smile during the entire conversation. My friend said it was because I want to see the optimistic side of the situation, but in my heart, I feel like the reason I smile is because I don't want to appear weak. Not that I laugh whenever disaster strikes, but when I'm retelling a story of hurt friendships or troubling situations, I can't help but think about how ridiculous my situations are and I just smile. Instead of getting upset, I smile. I'm still trying to figure out what that really means for me.
I've got to start paying more attention to my facial expressions.

Looking Back

Looking back at old diary entries are both therapeutic and embarrassing. I feel so stupid when I see how ridiculous my emotions were in the past (in the recent and not-so-recent). How could I be so foolish? I realize I am young, and that I have so much more to learn, but when I see how I felt about boys, relationships, interests, I figured I had moved out of high school. But according to my words on pages, my emotional maturity is still stuck in the awkward stages between freshman and senior year of high school.

It's time to graduate.

Question.

How can I guard my heart without being a guarded individual?

Detox.

"Enough is enough. It's liquidation time." - Rob Dyrdek, Rob&Big: Season 1

I feel like my body needs its' own liquidation cycle for the next couple of weeks. I'm strongly considering just eating raw foods for the next week or two before school starts. I feel like my body is full of junk, and I keep feeding it the worst food humanly possible. Last night, I ate some twisted chips (the equivalent of two whole potatoes fried to perfection) and I laid in bed last night regretting even the thought of eating those chips.

The raw diet seems to be a hip new fad in bigger cities, with restaurant dedicated to cooking food without actually using heat. As a vegetarian, that means my options are slightly limited, but if I saute vegetables such as eggplant rounds or portabello mushrooms, I think my body would thank me for that versus eating fried foods that I eat at least twice a week.

My body just feels sluggish, and my walks that I usually do feel like they're much more work. As recently as a month ago, I was paying attention to portion sizes, really evaluating what I put into my body each day, and somehow I went off the handle and bought terrible foods that I normally never eat.

A walk will be in order tomorrow (as I have a double at work today) - maybe I'll even run since it's been two whole weeks (eek!).

What College Is All About

I was talking to a friend I've had since high school on the phone today, and we were discussing boys and their annoyances. During this conversation, I realized that college boils down to two major things: narcissism and hedonism.

This may seem a bit harsh, but if you think about it, it applies to about 90 percent of the people who go to college in the first place. Narcissism, which is another word for egoism or "self-interest is the actual motive of all conscious action" (according to Merriam-Webster Online), is evident in all college students to a point. The entire reasoning behind going to college is for selfish reasoning - to place ahead of others in the workforce, or to learn a trade or skill that made you a better asset to a company. Many students these days think about what they want to do. According to the ways of the world, college is partially about experimentation and finding out who you are or what you believe in. It's the first time for us as people to be on our own, and we have to survive in a world where we depend on only ourselves. It thus creates a narcissistic "Think For Yourself" attitude. While I wouldn't say all narcissism is bad, since certain friends could be using you, or you could be duped out of a monetary scheme, it is still the brainchild that creates terrible products of students who are really egotistical all the time. They are Kanye West, without the money or the status. And being in college only furthered that thought process, not diminishing it before it went out of control.

Also in college, students find themselves stuck at a moral turning point, where they must think for themselves about what is right and what is not. Going back to the experimentation of college, hedonism plays a big role in how we become who we are. The idea of hedonism, that is "pleasure or happiness is the sole or chief good in life," basically says "Whatever makes you feel good is what you should do." So many college students believe that in this stage of their lives, because no one can tell them no. Every college student tastes life on the wild side, whether that be binge drinking or one-night stands, to the innocent breaking of curfew or staying up all night before a class the next day. It is hedonism that leads us to the majority of what we do in college.

Both narcissism and hedonism are not viewed as positive things, so why has college created these particular personality outcomes? College forces you to think about yourself first and foremost. You have to think about protecting yourself, how to get yourself ahead, and how to break apart from the crowd. But you also have to think about what is right and wrong, according to you, regardless of what your parents/religion/friends tell you to. To decide to follow a religion is your choice. To decide to drink is your choice. To decide to follow all of the rules given to you is a choice. College is all about choosing what is best for you (in your not-so-humble opinion, at times).

Is there any way to combat this symptom of big egos and complete pleasure-seekers?

Stuffed.

The weather is so fickle sometimes. It was hotter than blazes earlier outside, with my feet burning every time they touched the cement, and I spent over an hour in the pool. Then I was laying out, drying my bathing suit naturally before going inside, and one of the apartment employees came out and said, "Big storm's coming!" Behind me, a rushing dark cloud was heading directly toward me. I don't think I've ever gotten my stuff together so quickly.

Fast-forward through massive storms, thunder that shook my apartment, lightning that seemed like it was an inch away from my windows, and a couple of power outages. They say, "Necessity is indeed the mother of invention," and as such, my roommate made macaroni and cheese from scratch. It was super delicious...yet super filling. I don't think I could eat another ounce of food for the next day.

Tonight, we'll be playing poker. Me and the boys. I'm excited that my life is actually turning out like a real-life "My Boys" episode. In case you've never heard of "My Boys," it's an amazing TV show on TBS (every Sunday at 10pm, by the way...) that's now in it's fourth season. It's basically from the point of view of one female sports writer who is always surrounded by her four best guy friends.
(L-R: "My Boys" characters Brandon, Mike, Kenny, and PJ)

Now, I don't mean to brag, but my guy friends kind of rock. :)
Well, I'm off to clean the rest of the house before the guys get here. See you all tomorrow!

Spiced.

Rather than rant about my feelings, I wanted to gush about one of my favorite reads from the summer: Spiced by Dalia Jurgensen.

It's a great memoir about a girl who didn't know what she wanted in life, had a normal 9-5 desk job, and then gave it all up to trail for a pastry chef in one of New York City's hottest restaurants. Knowing nothing, and not having been to culinary school yet, she started a new adventure for herself. It has raw truth to the story, with a realistic aspect of how things really are in the kitchen of a high-class restaurant.

This book has been the fastest I've plowed through in a long time. There is still a little less than half of the book left, but it is such a quick read for me that I cannot read just one chapter at a time.

I hope to finish this book in the next couple of days before I road trip to Nashville to visit my pal Erica. I've never been to Nashville before, so I hope it'll be an adventure full of memories (which always occur with Erica, so I'm not worried). :) Short-term goal: finish the book before Monday morning, then start a new book (most likely Laura & Lisa Ling's memoir about being granted amnesty from North Korea last summer) once I return.

If anyone wants to borrow "Spiced" when I'm finished with it, feel free to ask! :)

Lost.

I just had a conversation with my father about my future.
"It sounds like you're inspired," my dad said.
In all actuality, I feel the furthest from inspired. Instead, I feel the most unprepared that I could ever be. In the next coming months, everything about my life will be changing - from friends to housing to occupation. I know every nearly-college grad goes through this, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I haven't felt very confident in my writing skills for the past year. I don't think I'm a very good writer, truly. I feel like I have grand ideas but when I sit to think about my writing point of view, I have no idea what makes my writing style different than anyone else.

In the fall, I will be the editorial editor and although I know I have good copy-editing skills, it seems weird to think that I'll be the one giving advice on how to write well. How will I be able to refine someone's skills when I cannot even identify the problems with my own? It isn't very comforting to know that I don't have any faith or confidence in the one thing I am getting my college degree in.

I need to figure out what makes my writing tick, and also why other people should care about what I have to say. Yes, I know my take on certain issues are important, but what will make people actually care?

This is way too overwhelming for me to think about. As usual, I need to stop thinking so much about the future and everything else that goes into it, but rather think of the day-to-day. I can only affect what happens today, not tomorrow.

Mom thinks I should look into food writing. Perhaps I should just hide from the real world by joining a culinary school?

I feel like it has been so long since I have written. I need to get the creative juices flowing again. It is that time of the year again - time to actually make my brain think.

Baffled.

I am baffled. Completely baffled.

::deep sigh::

I think it's time for some Ingrid Michaelson, and for me to cry and let some emotional baggage out.