Security.

All she knew is that she needed a voice to hear her pleas. She wasn't demanding attention, but simply wanted to know she was cared for. She held out her hand, waiting for someone to reach out and put their hand around hers. A boy, not whom she'd expected, looked at her with soft eyes, eager to listen to her meekness. She spoke about the ebbs and flows of her life, how she drifted in and out of belonging. He was sympathetic, yet not all-consuming of her body, which was exactly what she needed. He stood strong with her in the battles she faced, even as just a humble companion amongst her war that lay ahead. He was her equal, willing to go through anything she struggled with. He was her ears when she couldn't see outside of herself. He wasn't anyone significant, according to him, but to her, he was her whole world. He would remain monumental in her book for that simple act of showing an interest. He cared for her, even if it wasn't of a sexual nature. He heard her pleas when no one else would shift their focus outside of their own troubles. He was exactly what she needed, and she cherished him for it. He never understood - all he did was hold out his hand to grab hers. But to her, that was all she needed to feel secure again. All she needed was that outstretched hand.

Letters

There are letters that I wrote months ago. These are letters that contain so much more emotion than I could ever share. I still cannot bear to read the letters. So much raw feeling was compacted into such a small space between the notebook and the pen.

I lost the notebook for a few weeks... It felt nice to find it piled under the other rubble of my life - not because I was happy to see it, but rather because it signified to me that the emotions it held were buried so I was no longer taxed by them.

The letters that notebook contained were ones never meant to see the light of day.  They were never to be sent.  They were never to be read aloud.  I've contemplated burning the letters, one-by-one, without reading them a second time.  Thinking about why I needed to write those in the first place still throws me back into that emotional state (unfortunately).

Do I pretend the letters do not exist? Do I bury the notebook again for it to never resurface? Do I hand the notebook off to someone else, so that they can hold my burdens in a physical form?

I am not afraid of how I felt or what I felt in those moments of weakness.  The letters were caused my frustration, sadness, hurt, vulnerability and pain but yet those were all natural feelings I could not bottle up, though I tried.

A big step was taken a week ago when I chose to use the notebook once again...yet I was plagued by the previous pages that haunt my heart.  I knew if I turned one page the wrong way, my feelings and wounds would be exposed, burning with the air.

Which is better: to face those feelings so I can move on, or is it easier to move on by not stepping backwards emotionally to read them once more? It is as simple as thinking, "Do the means justify the end? Or does the end justify the means?" That battle is still raging within my heart.  I don't know if any side deserves to win.

Texting Lessons

A friend and I went out for a late-night coffee chat, and found the cutest coffee shop downtown. Of course, conversation turned to boys. Discussing proposals, relationships, and overall dating tips, I was reminded that if a guy is actually attempting to date you, he'll do so with more than just a texting relationship with you.

It's no secret that sending texts back and forth between guys and girls is an easy way to find out how each other feels, yet it's all information that neither party would give up so quickly if in person. Texting is such a cop out. Instead of really working for a relationship to work, you can just text and get a sense of "getting to know someone" without going through the motions and spending the quality time together. How romantic will it be to tell your kids "Well, we spend hours and hours texting back and forth, in separate rooms, while preoccupied with other things, and it was just so intimate and special"? Please. Romance stories will never be written from the point of view of modern technology.

It's kind of a shame that seeking someone out for dinner or coffee is now a rare breed of human beings. When a guy asks a girl out for coffee to get to know each other, it's as if he is taking a giant leap for all men of his generation. There are still men who enjoy being in the same room as a female! Spending time with her! Man, he is just a diamond in the rough. It's sad that more men aren't this way, when instead they rely on technology to break down the walls without spending any quality time together.

I remember one time, as a freshman in college, a guy from my "brother dorm" (read: like fraternities have sister sororities, it's the same idea) who Facebook messaged me for a week straight, and we knew everything about each other and yet we hadn't even met face-to-face yet. So we decided to meet and go to church together one morning. First of all, it was awkward trying to meet and officially shake hands and introduce ourselves, even though I knew his whole life story. Then I have to hang out with him in pseudo-silence during church? It was just an awkward experience from beginning to end.

Men definitely still need to pursue the ladies, especially because it's the gentlemanly thing to do and they enjoy the chase, but it has to be through the right medium. Save texting for confirmation texts such as "Dinner at 6:30 tonight?" instead of full-on conversations. I'd much rather hear a man's voice, listening to not only his words but his tone of voice. The way a man speaks reveals so much about him that you wouldn't realize until you pay attention. What he's passionate about, how he speaks, word choice, sarcasm, etc. - There is so much more to learn that cannot be discovered through text messaging. Just put the phones away. If a guy wants to talk to you, he'll find a way to do it.

Seriously. If a guy wants to talk to you, he'll find a way how. Don't try and force it. Really.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness

I feel I have grown so much in the past year, even though I still feel as though I'm stuck in 'pause mode' that has become my life lately. Moving out on my own, doing things my way, making decisions based on me and not my parents' recommendations (even hunting for new doctors was a weird process).

It recently occurred to me that life has this weird double-standard: You are not guaranteed happiness, but if you're unhappy, everyone urges you to change your life so that you become not so. Therefore, we can handle contentment, but not unhappiness? And as such, I have realized that if I am unhappy, it is only up to me to change it.

I have searched for a full-time position in anything (really) for an entire year. Last October, I was still in school, but applying constantly so I would be able to forgo the whole "live with the parents" scenario. Unfortunately, no one has even interviewed me in the past year. I don't know if the issue is with my issue with selling myself or my talents, or that everyone who applied had more experience than me - no one will ever know, but I have come to find that I don't have much faith in my abilities. I know what I am "better than," but I don't know what I can truly achieve.

In my head, I have always been capable of being famous. I think I'd be great at it - Not Britney Spears-level fame, but more...Anderson Cooper fame. He can be serious, funny, have a great fan base, and still live a typically normal life. I always thought that would be the life for me, even though I don't know how to reach that goal. I will be famous, but for what reason? That has still yet to be determined...but in order to reach that level of success, it seems as though I need to believe in myself. I truly don't. It's a harrowing experience when you realize that you can only depend on yourself, yet I don't even have faith in what I can do. I don't even know who I am.

Self-discovery is the next goal for my life. More importantly than a job, more than being happy, I want to be able to depend on my skills and have the confidence that I will succeed. I lack that confidence that everything will turn out okay.

Another real-world experience that I was not expecting was the inability to "reach the next step" in your life as easily as it was in college. For instance, if you want to succeed in college, you could have poor grades but then you study harder, meet with the professor, go to study groups, take your time on tests, etc. and your hard work should be eventually rewarded. In the real world, it hasn't been as simple as apply more, talk to more people, re-write your resume (again and again), re-write your cover letter (thousands of times over), and yet... no reward is guaranteed. Whereas in college, you can dig yourself out of an academic hole, the real world does not show you as much mercy. You're dug in a hole, and the shovel is thrown about a mile away.

It's easier said than done to "believe in yourself," or "apply as much as you can," or "get to know the right people." But either way, I'm going to try. Like my roommate said, "Now is the time to try," and who cares if you fail? I'm still young, and I still have a lot of things to understand. But if I want to stop being unhappy, something needs to change, and I'm willing to do that.

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea."

This has been a tough road for me. I have felt more stressed than I feel like I ever have in my entire life. I've been through tough issues before, but it feels like this has been the longest stretch of time where I have felt completely lost and helpless. I don't have a direction for my life, and I don't know what is right or wrong. I like the city that I am in, but I don't like who I am becoming.

Even though there are many blessings around me, I still bring out the most negative part of every situation. I hate this quality about myself, especially when I am typically a happy, pleasant person.

I know I need a change or else my stress and anger will swallow me whole. There are days where I feel like packing everything into my car, and driving to the ocean for a fresh start. Somewhere that does not know my name or where I've been. At the edge of the ocean, all of my problems will simply melt away.

Does every 20-something go through this? I feel like I'm still so alone, even though everyone my age doesn't really know who they are just yet. I hear of other classmates' success and instead of being happy for them, I feel more weight on my shoulders to start my life. I know I was made for bigger and better things, but I cannot decide whether staying in this place is beneficial since I already have some connections created, but if my skin is itching to leave, where is the better place to go?

I don't want to run or escape my problems, but I just know in my heart that I was not meant to be doing what I am with my life. I feel like my life is passing me by, and it just started. I am not happy with my pseudo-successes here.

I do not feel prepared for life, but from what I know, I should be happier with my choices. I shouldn't be so upset. I shouldn't want to cry every day. What is this life? I barely recognize it myself.

Maybe it is time to sell everything I own, buy a boat, and live on the sea where my problems cannot find me.

The Happiness Project

About a year ago, I went through a personal cleansing where I attempted to figure out who I am (which you can read here). Now, I feel like it's time for a tune-up, based off of the book I am currently reading, "The Happiness Project," by Gretchen Rubin.

In the book, Rubin researched famous theologians, philosophers, and spiritual books to define what happiness truly is. She planned to do little things differently each month, from "No nagging my husband" to "Act the way you wish to act." Some were simple and easy to do (such as "do anything immediately if it takes less than five minutes to do"), while some were tougher ("be exceptionally nice for a week, never being angry or losing your cool"). The book is extremely fascinating, and I haven't even finished the book. I don't know the conclusion yet, but the realizations that she has come to find already shows me that simple switches, like walking at least 10,000 steps a day, easily improve your mood and daily life.

I still don't exactly know who I am, or where I am supposed to be (as probably any early-20's person feels), but there are minor changes I want to make in my life so that when I do make decisions or find out new things about myself, my mind is clear and with the best intentions for my life. One of my first "rules" is that I must be outside at least 20 minutes a day. Whether it is from walking, or sitting outside, as long as I am in the great outdoors, I can see how much calmer and energized I am. Nature is one thing I have always connected with, especially fresh green grass. Secondly, I want to listen to at least one worship song per day. As I was listening to a Christian radio station the other day, I realized that I did not know any recent Christian songs or new artists. I need to make an effort to keep Christian music in my vocabulary, as it used to be something that defined my attitude (with a lot of Relient K, dc Talk, and Jars of Clay). I already made a worship CD for me to listen to in the car at all times, but I need to be reading more Relevant magazines and keeping up on Christian culture. Music has the power to transform my mood in such a profound, strong way that it has to be of bigger importance in my life.

I'm still trying to figure out what else I want to add to my "must" list of things I do every day, but I figure this is a good start. Walking every day was essential last year while getting through some issues, and I think walking will definitely help again to clarify my thoughts. It's always nice to take a step back, figure out what I really want from my life, and what I need in order to be successful (and to even define what "success" truly is).

Cataloging Bad Habits

In Augusten Burrough's book, "Dry," he details his stint in rehab for his alcohol abuse. In one of the first chapters of his book, he describes the initial rehabilitation session where the leader asked him to write down how much he drank, at what age he began drinking, and how frequently he drank when he did drink. He was also asked to write down any other substances he had used, even if just trying them once. After writing down all of the information he could remember, Augusten took a step back and realized how heavy his drinking (and other substances) actually was. It hadn't hit him that he drank an abnormal amount of alcohol until that first moment. He didn't even think he needed to be in rehab, but was doing it to appease his employer.

It was the worst form of honesty, because for the first time in however long Augusten had been drinking, he proved to himself that he was an alcoholic. He couldn't deny his addiction any longer, and instead faced the truth directly. I think that it is good, yet brutal, to do this to ourselves from time to time. Pastor Josh Henderson states that we can deal with our problems one of three ways: the first, to deny the issue. Secondly, you can hold the secret in and deal with it privately within yourself. The third (and right) way is to confront the issue head-on. Clearly, this wouldn't be the easiest option because it causes you to be extremely vulnerable and truly honest with yourself and others. Tough conversations follow with confrontation, but ultimately, those are the healthiest conversations to have.

Luke 12:3-4 tells us that anything that is done in private or with a secret intention will eventually be brought to light and shouted off of rooftops. In the case of Augusten Burroughs, it was he himself that shouted his own truth off of a rooftop, even if he hadn't originally intended to do so. He was his own scapegoat.

It hurts when we expose ourselves for what we are. It's the same reason why I will never do a food diary - yes, I want to be honest, but if I can't even write down truthfully how many brownies I ate for dessert, why should I be lying to a piece of paper? Being honest with ourselves should be the easiest thing, but often, it is also the most ugly thing we can do - to expose who we really are without looking away from the mirror. We can change our ugly habits, and we can improve our lives from that point on, but until we are able to bring up our true selves to the surface, we will forever be stifled by our worst handicap.

This week, I wasn't able to hide behind the issues that were buried deep inside me, and it was scary to imagine other people knowing the evils I had within me, but I felt such freedom after those conversations took place.

"The right thing is not always the easy thing." - summarized in 2 Timothy 4:1-10

Decision-Making

Yesterday, I visited a church for the first time, and it featured a video sermon where the pastor gives his message through a big projector screen instead of actually being in the room. I thought I'd be bored since he wasn't engaging with the audience around me, but instead, he captured me for the entire 35-minute sermon. It could have helped that his topic was one that really tugged on my heartstrings: decision-making and changing the course of your life. There were two questions I needed to ask myself: "Am I being completely honest with myself?" and "What's the story I want to tell?"

I think a lot about my significance on this earth (as probably many people do). I know I was destined for greatness, and although I don't know what "greatness" entails, I still feel like there is so much more within me that I haven't tapped into yet. All of this potential is being stifled within me, but I don't know how to release it. I psyche myself out at times. I feel like "I can do this; I can handle this project" but when it comes to putting the rubber to the road, I doubt myself.

There are times that I look back on my life, and although I don't have many regrets (I, in fact, have two and that is it), there are some things I would have loved to see what become of them. I was a member of the speech and debate team in high school, and as much as I loved the actual debates, I hated the prep work for it. I think I was simply unprepared for the brains it took to handle speech and debate at that time. I was a freshman when I began, and if I had stuck it out until I was a junior or senior, I can only imagine how much it would have helped me out in my college career. It also would have helped me determine if pre-law was something I'd be willing to stick with as well. I always had this dream of being an ADA in a courtroom somewhere, fighting the good fight for justice, but lawyers are typically serious and dull and I didn't want to be either.

It was with speech and debate that I learned how to construct an argument and win. Within one season, I earned a varsity letter in speech and debate (but to be fair, it was extremely easy to get a varsity letter in debate). It is good for writing opinion articles, which I did in college, but I still wish I could be better at compiling all of the information that would successfully win an argument every time.

After one year of debate, it was my decision to quit the team, which my parents supported, and that is the story I chose to tell. I don't regret quitting the team, but I just wonder 'what if' I had stayed with the team and improved my skills. Where would I be? Would I be on the fast track to "success," (whatever that is defined as)?

Even though many decisions seem important or life-altering, they really will not change every aspect of your life in the years to come. There were so many drama-filled arguments between best friends or boyfriends, and now, who can figure out what those arguments were even about? It consumed my whole world at the time, but looking back, nothing even triggers a memory of how those arguments began.

I do want to tell a good story, I know that for sure. How to arrive at the best story for me is the only question.

Wisdom

As I'm still trying to sort out my life (and really, who isn't?), I began reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. While not even finished with the book, she brought up a great point - everything that is considered 'genius' has already been said. Any advice that one could use in their life has already been claimed by someone else (even if not in a certain phrasing). For instance, the example Rubin uses is "If you want to know how to lose weight, you need to eat less and exercise more." - While that might click with you depending on the eloquent way of saying that phrase, you already know that eating less and exercising more was the answer.

In addition, what makes one wise? Coco Chanel is credited with saying that a woman should be two things: classy and fabulous. While I agree with Chanel, should she be considered wise because of her famous quote? Marilyn Monroe has a slew of repeated quotes, from "Give a girl the right shoes, and she can rule the world" to "It's better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." Should Monroe be hailed as a wise human being because of it? The same woman with wisdom in her words also had three marriages and rumored affairs with presidents. Does her reason and logic cancel out what occurs in her personal life?

Perhaps it is by personal accord that we define what is wise and what is not. I could become cliche by saying people cannot obtain wisdom alone, but it is by outside forces such as literature, spiritual books, or other life scenarios that teach wisdom in others.

It takes more consideration than simply hearing a thoughtful quote to determine that wisdom is contained within it. Or at least that's what I think - but don't take my word for it.

Here's The Truth.

I debated back and forth about writing this blog many, many times. It seems a little too personal to be bringing up to the general public, but at the same time, I am aware of the voice this could provide to others, and that is more powerful than my hesitations.

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I was molested by a good "friend" of mine while in college. And I hate that because of what HE did to me, I became a statistic.

I was in an environment that I had tried to avoid for months, and yet I found myself in that situation anyway. My "friend" had a girlfriend (who was also a very good friend of mine). When I reminded him of his seemingly other half, he said "Well she won't know anything about this, will she?" This enraged me more than my personal violation. I put together my belongings as soon as I could, and left - but before I could drive away, the gross individual had the nerve to give me a hug as if nothing had happened. I just stood there as he tried to embrace me. I was furious.

And I will never forget calling my dear friend and physically saying to her, "I think I was just molested." I can remember it like it happened yesterday. Once I said it out loud, it gave it more weight and reality. I had actually been molested. Strong, independent me. It was a Sunday, and I longed to go to church as soon as humanly possible. I remember walking into my apartment, taking a long, long shower, and going to church. I have no idea what the service was about or what songs we sang, but I do remember feeling so much happier that I was sitting among friends who would never treat me disrespectfully.

I tried not to let it affect the rest of my life, but for the first few weeks, I had to explain to all of my roommates what had happened and the aftermath of admitting to people what went down (including the girlfriend, who is still with the jerk to this day). I met with a few people as faux "therapy" sessions, which helped a little bit, but my biggest regret was not pressing charges. I should have sent him to jail. I could have - I had the power to! - and I chose not to. I don't know why I thought that wasn't a good plan, but I regret my clouded thinking in that time because if it happened today, I would send him to jail so quick he wouldn't know how he got there.

There is no contact with this former "friend" anymore. The worst was having the memories of the past two years of "friendship" come back to haunt me. Various restaurants we had visited for the first time, funny inside jokes, etc. - All of that was jeopardized by one person's selfishness. Why? Was it worth the cause of losing me as a friend, losing trust from your girlfriend, and losing many people's respect as a human being? He's a monster. He has nothing going for him in life. He is still around, but he doesn't know my whereabouts.

I don't write this for self-pity, because honestly, I wasn't as harmed by being molested as some people are (or were, for years) by other people they knew. Being molested isn't a laughing matter, and more people than you think have a history of being molested. I wish that weren't the case, because it isn't a pleasant experience, but unfortunately that's just how it is. The only thing I can do as a victim is to move on, and grow from the experience. My faith in God didn't waver, even though God "allowed" this to happen - I don't really believe that anyway. The whole ordeal did make me a stronger person and someone more aware of molestation statistics. People always say, "You never think it's going to happen to you..." and I mean, I never thought I would leave college with a questionable experience. But I did, and that was my experience. I hope none of my friends have to go through a similar ordeal, but if they do, I do understand the out-of-body experience after being molested and the eerie feeling of even talking to guys afterwords.

Honestly, sharing my story is the best prevention out there. Don't put yourself in sketchy situations. I had bad feelings about being in this particular situation with my "friend" for months, and yet I finally broke down and put myself in the situation - only for molestation to be the result. Learn from my mistake, and remember that you are NOT at fault. You did NOTHING wrong - He is the one who did it for his own reasons, and all you can do is put it in your past and get some justice for yourself. I wish I had done so.

Even after writing this post that I was so worried about, I feel more empowered after writing it. So thank you for listening, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask me anything. I would love to tell you anything you want to know.

But, what?

So here I am, sitting in my room in Colorado. I moved here almost a month ago now, and all of my stuff is set up for the most part. I have a library card here, so it's pretty official that I've started a life here.

I should be writing all the time. I haven't had anything to do, no friends to meet with or people to see. Although I have started on a string of interviews (none of them journalism-related), I have yet to land a job. So why am I not writing consistently?

What is there to write about? I'm unemployed. What am I experiencing? Boredom, mostly. I did have a wild first two weeks here, going out and meeting strangers (aka: strange men), one of them consisting of a 21-year-old soldier who married and divorced by 19. Also, he had been drinking since 4 p.m. - A real catch.

Other than that, what am I supposed to write about? I have hiked trails, walked around the neighborhood, done shopping... but what is that adding to my life? I have had little victories, such as finding certain brands at certain stores (like vegetarian products - surprisingly hard to find here!).

I've been catching up on the latest movies and television shows. Netflix has never had such a good work out until it met me. And I surprisingly haven't worked out as much as I could be. Heck, I'm awake 16 hours a day and yet can't find an hour to go on a walk or do some squats? It's amazing how the mind can demotivate itself, even in the blandest of times.

I used to think that I could be my own company. For instance, if for some reason I was left in a room by myself for five days without being able to get out, I could entertain myself. Now, I am not so sure. I think if menial things to do, from checking a new store every day for something in particular to taking the dog on a walk just to leave the house. Otherwise, I don't go anywhere - all day! What kind of life am I living?

This whole entry probably seems as if I'm depressed, and I'm not - I actually do love living here, and it's great to have new places to explore and amazing finds such as a dollar theater that still had "Black Swan" showing (Interesting movie, by the way, although I wouldn't need to see it ever again). I catch my breath every time I drive past the mountain range with Pikes Peak in it. I have found some of the greatest radio stations (like an amazing alternative radio station that plays new underground bands that played at SXSW to early 90's Mighty Mighty Bosstones). I have learned what kind of groceries I actually eat, versus the things I hope to eat (read: fruits and vegetables - I know, ironic for a vegetarian).

Honestly, I feel like I've had time to write a hit screenplay by now. I actually intended to write something of that nature, but haven't had the inspiration. How can you have inspiration to write when nothing is occurring to you? Just like the greatest songwriters write during tragedy or extreme joy, I am at a plateau of... nothing. Blandness. I'm flat lining.

Even trying to go out and meet people, I'm ashamed to say "I'm unemployed." I don't think everyone really understands the reality of how pathetic that sounds. Yeah, okay, I just graduated from college, but it's different than if I had just graduated in January. And besides, it's not like I have a plan. I came here without a plan, and I still do not have one. I don't foresee me moving back to Ohio, nor anywhere else, but what am I doing?

I have no idea what the next year will look like for me - nor the next 3 months, nor the next 6 months. I'm just rolling with the punches and hoping for a great outcome. Maybe that's not the greatest unofficial plan there ever was, but I will look back on this time with no regrets. It's not like I could find myself to be happy back in Ohio. I miss my friends and the familiarity, of course, but I wouldn't have been truly happy staying there. So I took a chance. And even if I don't succeed here, I know I'll find many things of value here. Either about myself, others, or the world. And I'm excited about all that.

It's true, whatever that saying is about "idle hands." I am extremely bored, and thinking back to things in my past that do not add any value to my life at all.

If you're in the West at any point in time, please feel free to come share a cup of coffee with me. I'd love the company.

Live, from New York, it's Saturday night!

While everyone else was dreaming to be a ballet dancer, a fireman, or an astronaut, I had a different wishlist for my life. And although I did love the idea of being an astronaut (even though I am terrible at science), more than anything, I dreamed of being a host on Saturday Night Live.

More specifically, I imagined what kind of poses I would do for my pictures before and after commercial breaks. Those little photos show so much about a person, and I always thought "What poses could I do that are completely original and have never been done before?" I am no genius with photography, so those original ideas usually came slow.

In addition to hosting, I always thought I'd be the first Abby on SNL. I just had to be. Unfortunately, that dream came to a crushing end about two years ago when Abby Elliot (daughter of Chris Elliot, a former cast member) joined the cast. Even though I majored in journalism and could never ever do stand up even if I had Ellen DeGeneres as my coach, my self-esteem was still bruised when I saw Abby Elliot had become a featured player.

Reading an article in Rolling Stone magazine about Jimmy Fallon last night (and after watching the hilarious episode of SNL with Jesse Eisenberg - and the real Mark Zuckerberg) helped me rediscover that love for SNL and my dreams of joining (or hosting) are still intact.

"I remember saying to myself, 'If I don't make it on Saturday Night Live before I'm 25, I'm going to kill myself,'" [Fallon] casually confesses one night. "It's crazy. I had no other plan. I didn't have friends, I didn't have a girlfriend, I didn't have anything going on. I had my career, that was it." As much as I love SNL and would give anything to see a taping live (and have entered the lottery for SNL seats about five years in a row, to no avail), I'm not as drastic as Jimmy to say I'd kill myself if I never was a part of the show. I have applied for NBC Page positions multiple times, never to hear back from NBC/GE.

This is not supposed to be a sob story about how I'll never be on stage at SNL, but if I were ever asked to host SNL for some crazy reason, I know I would savor every moment that I was there. Is it warped to have the dream that I become successful enough to host SNL? I would love that kind of lifestyle, for a little while, anyway. I couldn't be a dramatic actor or a comedian, but I would love to be enough of a topical newsworthy person in order to host SNL - that would be my greatest achievement and I dare say I'd be fine dying right after the show was over. It wouldn't get any better than that.

Lorne Michaels, if you read this, and are looking for any help whatsoever (I'd happily clean the writer's room every night if you needed it done), just understand you would help make my dreams come true.

Jimmy Fallon didn't have a master plan in order for him to host his own late night talk show, but now look at where he is. It started with a little dream of being on SNL, and now he has a wife and famous friends and the best late night band in the Roots. It seems that Fallon's success couldn't have happened to a greater guy, and I would hope that my success could be a sliver of what he experiences daily.

Let's not be cliche...

With the new year, I am becoming like the other 75% of Americans who make the resolution of losing weight. But unlike the majority, I will actually keep this promise to myself for a happier, healthy life.

First of all, I am setting myself some ground rules so that habits are created and stick with me into my adult journey. I've completed my Bachelors, I'm moving on to a new city and a new life (although the last two are TBD).

Some rules for the next following days/weeks/months, until they become habitual:
1) Drink only 225 calories of liquids per day. I read in "Women's Health" that the average person drinks approximately 450 calories a day, which could be the same as a small meal. So, first rule is I must limit my drinking from sodas, wine/beer, etc.

2) If I head to the gym, I must clock in at least three miles on the treadmill. Whether that be running, walking, or a combo of the two, I must do three miles on the treadmill. If I do the elliptical or bike, three miles would be acceptable as well - but I usually don't use the elliptical or bike often, so that's basically a moot point.

3) I need to reduce my refined carb intake. There isn't a set limit on that, which might get me in trouble, but I know that it will be the key to my success. My carb intake is out the roof right now... Bagels for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (or so it feels like).

4) I want/need to bring my weight down. I'm currently at 135, and although that is not overweight for my height (5'4), it is still on the higher end of the spectrum, so I'd like to get down to approximately 125 - and to stay at that weight. Also, my jeans used to be a loose 8 or tight 6 last year, when I worked out nearly every day, and now they're a snug 8. In inches, my waist toggles between 28 and 31 inches. It would be great to know my waist was under 30 inches with certainty, and if I could fit comfortably into a size 6, I'd be even happier.

5) I don't want to set a number on how many days I must go to the gym, mostly because I feel like once you don't meet that number, you feel defeated and then you get discouraged and into a downward spiral you go. So I would like to say that I want to make room for exercise daily, even if it's a 15-minute walk, or doing squats and push ups during commercial breaks while watching TV.

6) Probably the most important rule is putting healthier foods into my body as a whole. I became a vegetarian a little over a year ago, and so far it has been great (although I still eat fish for protein, but I am trying to cut that out slowly but surely). Being a vegetarian isn't for animal rights or diet, but mostly because I am not a fan of big businesses or food processing. There is a lot of animal cruelty when certain businesses that run the, say, chicken industry because they need chicken at a much faster pace than what normal, healthy chickens grow - but that isn't the sole reason I became a vegetarian. If you ever get a chance to watch the documentaries "Food Matters" or "Food, Inc." those films helped me stop eating poultry, when I was done eating red meat. I don't try to press this lifestyle on others (especially guys, because I know they love their meat-and-potato dinners), but if you are curious about vegetarianism, I am more than happy to answer any questions.
All of that to say: I don't eat as many fruits and vegetables as possible. And not the occasional yogurt or hidden vegetable, but actual natural fruits and vegetables. For instance, I will incorporate red pepper strips into my diet as a snack with ranch dip instead of always grabbing crackers. Making simple switches that will add to my health will be great for me in the long run.

So, those main six rules are what I am hoping to revolve my life around so that I am a healthier person. I ran a 5k in October, and although I have ran since then, it is still few and far between. I have no excuse not to work out more than I do now - I can easily make the time to do simple, effective exercises daily.

If anyone has a recipe they want to offer or try, I'd love to be a part of that too - I have been writing down recipes for the past couple of days to try (including lettuce cups filled with light tuna salad, or making my own fried rice). If anyone else has some surefire work out methods, I'm completely open to that as well.

Since you are reading this, I want you to keep me accountable for what I am doing in terms of my health. It is important to know where I am falling in terms of my diet or exercise. Even if I don't feel like working out, I know that 10-15 minutes walking outside can improve my mood (which has been clinically proven). There is no excuse, and I will lose approximately 10 pounds this year (although that sounds slightly scary as I type that).

Thank you for reading,
-A

Moving On Up

While on my Thanksgiving break from school (which could not have come any earlier...), my cell phone two-year plan was up, so it was time to upgrade. In my mind, I was assuming we'd show up, get a free upgrade to a sort of nicer phone, and be done with it. It turns out that I was too choose-y with my cell phone selections. I told the salesperson that I didn't want a touch screen, and I didn't want a Blackberry. That left me with two options: both that were extremely similar to my old phone, which was (in my opinion) good.

I wasn't really ready to give up the phone I loved, but I was sick of its' poor performance (it would shut off during text messages or in the middle of phone calls). I wanted something similar, and I wasn't ready to get into the world of smart phones just yet. My peers seem to feel that Blackberrys or iPhones are necessary, when really, they are not. No one needs to have Internet browsers on their phone, especially when every one of my peers also has a laptop that can search the Internet. Why look at a two-inch screen when you can view a 17-inch screen? Still, that idea baffles me.

I called my brother, who has a smart phone, and he said he would rather get rid of Internet from his laptop. I couldn't even imagine my laptop without Internet (well, actually, because my parents don't have WiFi, I don't have Internet on my laptop... so basically, it stays off during all trips back home).

My dad heavily hinted at the steadfast move toward all smart phones in the near future. He didn't want to force the newest smart phone on me, but at the same time, he didn't want me to be behind on the times among my peers in the competitive work force.

I really didn't want to give up my comfort of my cell phone, but I did recognize that receiving the latest news and e-mails on my phone rather than on my computer had its advantages. All in all, I ended up with a new smart phone, against my original wishes, but without full Internet capability (because I still would rather look at websites in their full size). It is so strange with the change of systems, and I hate figuring out what all of the little symbols mean when they flash on my phone.

I don't want to hate on my generation, but the simple capabilities of texting and phone calls are enough for me. I don't want all the extra apps, browsers, and other random bells and whistles that everyone else seems to feel is "necessary." It does feel nice to be ahead of the curve (slightly) with the newer smart phone, but I already miss my old phone. I know it'll be better for me in the long run, especially in my career.

Does anyone else have a smart phone, or does anyone regret not getting a smart phone? Let me know :) Am I the only one who feels like going back to landlines (maybe with the exception of texting)? It'd be nice to live a simple life and not able to be contacted at all hours of the day. It's quieter, and sometimes that quiet can be nice.

(500) Days

Reasons Why I Should Become More Like Summer Finn from (500) Days of Summer:

1) She has a great sense of personal style. Although everything she wears isn’t perfect or the best outfit for her body type, she still makes it work.

2) She is bold about her values and fights for what she believes in. At the same time, she isn’t close-minded.

3) She apologizes before the sun sets upon her anger. She settles the score quickly, even if it isn’t a perfect resolution.

4) Summer is interested in off-the-wall things, which therefore makes her interesting.

5) Summer lays her feelings out on the line, without facing vulnerability.

Although there are so many, many other reasons that I should be more like Summer Finn, I must also find a balance between becoming her and being like Tom Hansen. Perfect, wonderful, glorious Tom Hansen. He's practically perfect in every way, just like Mary Poppins.

This One's For You.

Here in Cologne
I know I said it wrong
I walked you to the train
And back across alone
To my hotel room
And ordered me some food
And now I'm wondering why the floor has suddenly become a moving target

Four, three, two, one,
I'm letting you go
I will let go
If you will let go

Says here an astronaut
Put on a pair of diapers
Drove eighteen hours
To kill her boyfriend
And in my hotel room, I'm wondering
If you read that story too?
And if we both might
Be having the same imaginary conversation

Four, three, two, one,
I'm letting you go
I will let go
If you will let go

Weightless as I close my eyes
The ceiling opens in disguise

Such a painful trip
To find out this is it
And as I go to sleep
You'll be waking up

Four, three, two, one,
I'm letting you go
I will let go
If you will let go

[Ben Folds]

I Am Unafraid To Speak

I am in a battle. I am constantly at war.

People are trying to tear me, my faith, my friends down. I've had enough. I combat nearly every day for the things I love. The reason I argue so much is for the people I love or the things I believe in. I am passionate toward many subjects, which brings out the animal instinct from within me.

You do not intimidate me. You, with your cutting words, trying to trip me up. You attack me, and yet I recover from every blow.

I will let my voice be heard, and I am not afraid of what you have up your sleeve.

"What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs." - Luke 12:3

I lived that verse today. Regardless of my past, I still wear a thick suit of armor in order to fight off any intruders. You have no power over me. You cannot defeat me, and you cannot win this battle.

It is not a stalemate - I will win. Believe it.

Re-Focused.

I feel like a lot of my blogs have to do about me "claiming" to get back on track in my life. I always have room to improve, of course. But get ready for one last blog about my re-focusing for the year.

I have 43 days until I am officially done with Liberty classes forever and ever. Because that number is strickeningly close, I have decided that some changes need to be made for a strong finish to my college career, as well as solidifying some constants in my life.

First of all, my diet needs to change. I grab a lot of pre-packaged foods in order to snack during classes instead of buying things in bulk or cooking my own food and bringing it with me. One of my resolutions is to not drink soda (yes, I say 'soda' now because of my 3 1/2 years in Virginia!) until I graduate. This is most likely going to be difficult seeing as I get free soda at work, and it's one of the staples I love to drink whenever I have pizza, which is every week.

Also, I've been trying to maintain/lose some weight and I still want to be a comfortable size 6 by the time of graduation. That is kind of scary since time is ticking quickly. I did work out yesterday, and I felt really refreshed from doing so, but my knees have been bothering me ever since running my 5K. On that note, my 5K was really successful! I ran the entire thing in 34:16, which equals about 11 min/mile. Clearly that isn't the best time, but I was aiming for 30 minutes, and I'm happy enough with 34:16. It was a good, quick run and over 1,700 people participated in the run! If everyone registered the $24 for the race, that means we raised almost $41,000 for freeing girls in the sex slave industry in Thailand! It was a really good environment, great weather, and an awesome community.

One other major thing that I am trying to cement as a life pattern for me is finally sticking to a devotional plan for reading from God's word every day. For years, I have struggled with reading the Bible consistently every day or every other day. On Sunday, I realized during church how refreshing it is to open God's word and to read such easy, simple truths that solidify my relationship with Christ. One of the books that really struck me was 1 Peter, and so that's where I started my daily devotional reading. Today, I re-read chapter 1 to see what I could glean from it and I read "his Spirit has made you holy" in verse 2. In some way, that's extremely overwhelming. Do you realize how much pressure is on you if you're considered holy? It's a bit too much to bear at times. Seeing that God sees me as holy pushes me to live my way in a similar light.

Anyway, to update you all, only 18 days until Thanksgiving break, 43 days until my final Final ever, and 44 days until I leave Virginia. I am excited for Christmas Break, as I am spending some much needed time with extended family and I'll be able to celebrate my graduation right. No more Liberty Way, no more censorship, and no more college responsibilities.

I am so excited to make a home for myself now, and to be responsible for decorating and keeping up my own home. I can't wait to do the things I want to do with my kitchen! If you want to get me a graduation gift, Williams&Sonoma gift cards are always acceptable. :)

To the relationships I've made in Virginia, I have thoroughly appreciated everything you all have done for me for the past four years. It has been great to grow with you, learn from group experiences, and for you all to partake in my becoming a better person. I know I have grown since freshman year, and it's been a quick wild ride.

I promise to update within the next 43 days...most likely when I'm about to break down from everything coming to a close way too fast.

Romanticism

In relationships, I am almost always the one who plays realist or the devil's advocate. I just want to be practical in relationships, especially because I always fall so easily. As a form of protection, I want to be realistic at all times.

But while I want to protect myself, there are times when the true girly-girl comes out in me. And then, good ol' Taylor Swift comes on the radio, and I realize that I am so much more feminine than I ever thought I could have been.

You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water./ And every time I look at you, it's like the first time./ I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter./ She is the best thing that's ever been mine."

As soon as I hear those words in "Mine," I realize how much I want to be with someone for the rest of my life. Not that I ever doubted wanting to have one true love, but I feel that there is no man who would want to put up with me 24/7, nor would I even have the time or energy to put into a long-lasting relationship.

All of my relationships have been quick and over before I know it, which I completely understand. I always am evolving and my world is always changing, and the boyfriend phase is the same way. It is hard for me to see someone sticking with me through the thick and thin, even though that's something I desperately want.

I am only 22 years old, and I know that I'm still young, but I cannot wait to have someone in the long term since I haven't found that yet. My life is just about to start, and I can't wait to see the road ahead, and it would be great to share that with someone else. Anyone want to be along for the journey? Until I find that someone, I guess I'll just stick to singing Taylor Swift and dreaming along with her perfect paradise painted in her songs.

The Garage

There's a man who sits in his garage all day, every day. He has the garage door open to let in light, and he simply sits in a collapsible chair. He never has a book in hand, or a drink sitting next to him. He finds himself content all day, every day. How? He just sits and thinks. I wish I could be completely content without any aid.
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Philosophical things aside, busy-ness has consumed me lately. School has been overwhelming with the amount of reading and homework due nightly. It's my last semester of college, and as much as I'm trying to savor every moment, it is hard to balance fun and work and homework. This weekend is fall break, so I finally caught up on sleep. Thursday night, I finally went to Scaremare (first time in 3 1/2 years!) and got scared to death. I had to hold on to my friend for dear life... which is embarrassing for a 22-year-old girl to admit.

Also, I finally ate Waffle House at 2 a.m. Aren't I such a hip college kid, doing everything cliche... anyway, it was a good time.

The weekend before this, I went to Nashville, Tenn., for the Baptist Press Conference. It was so much fun - just me and three fellow journalists in a bigger city. We met many interesting people, from Fox News radio anchor Todd Starnes to Genesis photography principal Gary Fong. Seeing other schools' newspapers was really great, too. I love seeing the creativity of their newspapers and what ideas they come up with for topical coverage of their campuses. One great thing about Nashville was the 85th anniversary of the Grand Ole Opry. I had never been to the Opry before, but I saw Trace Adkins, Taylor Swift, and Dolly Parton live! It was such a great experience, and it was also the last thing we did before we left Nashville. It was the best way to end on a high note in Nashville.

It has been exhilarating experiencing everything in my final days in Lynchburg. I don't know where I'm going from here, but I cannot wait for the road ahead. I'm tired of Lynchburg. I'm tired of life as I know it right now. I'm tired in every sense of the word.

Everything is coming at me so fast, and I'm just along for the ride. I still don't know where I'm headed, but I'll let you in for flashes along the ride as well.

Oh, and one last thing - I am running a 5k next weekend for the Freedom 4/24 foundation (www.freedom424.org). I'm excited for the race, and for the handful of friends who are running with me. It's a great cause, and even though the run is going to hurt, it's going to be worth it.

I hope to fill you all in more often than what I have been. Here's to hoping!