"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea."

This has been a tough road for me. I have felt more stressed than I feel like I ever have in my entire life. I've been through tough issues before, but it feels like this has been the longest stretch of time where I have felt completely lost and helpless. I don't have a direction for my life, and I don't know what is right or wrong. I like the city that I am in, but I don't like who I am becoming.

Even though there are many blessings around me, I still bring out the most negative part of every situation. I hate this quality about myself, especially when I am typically a happy, pleasant person.

I know I need a change or else my stress and anger will swallow me whole. There are days where I feel like packing everything into my car, and driving to the ocean for a fresh start. Somewhere that does not know my name or where I've been. At the edge of the ocean, all of my problems will simply melt away.

Does every 20-something go through this? I feel like I'm still so alone, even though everyone my age doesn't really know who they are just yet. I hear of other classmates' success and instead of being happy for them, I feel more weight on my shoulders to start my life. I know I was made for bigger and better things, but I cannot decide whether staying in this place is beneficial since I already have some connections created, but if my skin is itching to leave, where is the better place to go?

I don't want to run or escape my problems, but I just know in my heart that I was not meant to be doing what I am with my life. I feel like my life is passing me by, and it just started. I am not happy with my pseudo-successes here.

I do not feel prepared for life, but from what I know, I should be happier with my choices. I shouldn't be so upset. I shouldn't want to cry every day. What is this life? I barely recognize it myself.

Maybe it is time to sell everything I own, buy a boat, and live on the sea where my problems cannot find me.

The Happiness Project

About a year ago, I went through a personal cleansing where I attempted to figure out who I am (which you can read here). Now, I feel like it's time for a tune-up, based off of the book I am currently reading, "The Happiness Project," by Gretchen Rubin.

In the book, Rubin researched famous theologians, philosophers, and spiritual books to define what happiness truly is. She planned to do little things differently each month, from "No nagging my husband" to "Act the way you wish to act." Some were simple and easy to do (such as "do anything immediately if it takes less than five minutes to do"), while some were tougher ("be exceptionally nice for a week, never being angry or losing your cool"). The book is extremely fascinating, and I haven't even finished the book. I don't know the conclusion yet, but the realizations that she has come to find already shows me that simple switches, like walking at least 10,000 steps a day, easily improve your mood and daily life.

I still don't exactly know who I am, or where I am supposed to be (as probably any early-20's person feels), but there are minor changes I want to make in my life so that when I do make decisions or find out new things about myself, my mind is clear and with the best intentions for my life. One of my first "rules" is that I must be outside at least 20 minutes a day. Whether it is from walking, or sitting outside, as long as I am in the great outdoors, I can see how much calmer and energized I am. Nature is one thing I have always connected with, especially fresh green grass. Secondly, I want to listen to at least one worship song per day. As I was listening to a Christian radio station the other day, I realized that I did not know any recent Christian songs or new artists. I need to make an effort to keep Christian music in my vocabulary, as it used to be something that defined my attitude (with a lot of Relient K, dc Talk, and Jars of Clay). I already made a worship CD for me to listen to in the car at all times, but I need to be reading more Relevant magazines and keeping up on Christian culture. Music has the power to transform my mood in such a profound, strong way that it has to be of bigger importance in my life.

I'm still trying to figure out what else I want to add to my "must" list of things I do every day, but I figure this is a good start. Walking every day was essential last year while getting through some issues, and I think walking will definitely help again to clarify my thoughts. It's always nice to take a step back, figure out what I really want from my life, and what I need in order to be successful (and to even define what "success" truly is).

Cataloging Bad Habits

In Augusten Burrough's book, "Dry," he details his stint in rehab for his alcohol abuse. In one of the first chapters of his book, he describes the initial rehabilitation session where the leader asked him to write down how much he drank, at what age he began drinking, and how frequently he drank when he did drink. He was also asked to write down any other substances he had used, even if just trying them once. After writing down all of the information he could remember, Augusten took a step back and realized how heavy his drinking (and other substances) actually was. It hadn't hit him that he drank an abnormal amount of alcohol until that first moment. He didn't even think he needed to be in rehab, but was doing it to appease his employer.

It was the worst form of honesty, because for the first time in however long Augusten had been drinking, he proved to himself that he was an alcoholic. He couldn't deny his addiction any longer, and instead faced the truth directly. I think that it is good, yet brutal, to do this to ourselves from time to time. Pastor Josh Henderson states that we can deal with our problems one of three ways: the first, to deny the issue. Secondly, you can hold the secret in and deal with it privately within yourself. The third (and right) way is to confront the issue head-on. Clearly, this wouldn't be the easiest option because it causes you to be extremely vulnerable and truly honest with yourself and others. Tough conversations follow with confrontation, but ultimately, those are the healthiest conversations to have.

Luke 12:3-4 tells us that anything that is done in private or with a secret intention will eventually be brought to light and shouted off of rooftops. In the case of Augusten Burroughs, it was he himself that shouted his own truth off of a rooftop, even if he hadn't originally intended to do so. He was his own scapegoat.

It hurts when we expose ourselves for what we are. It's the same reason why I will never do a food diary - yes, I want to be honest, but if I can't even write down truthfully how many brownies I ate for dessert, why should I be lying to a piece of paper? Being honest with ourselves should be the easiest thing, but often, it is also the most ugly thing we can do - to expose who we really are without looking away from the mirror. We can change our ugly habits, and we can improve our lives from that point on, but until we are able to bring up our true selves to the surface, we will forever be stifled by our worst handicap.

This week, I wasn't able to hide behind the issues that were buried deep inside me, and it was scary to imagine other people knowing the evils I had within me, but I felt such freedom after those conversations took place.

"The right thing is not always the easy thing." - summarized in 2 Timothy 4:1-10

Decision-Making

Yesterday, I visited a church for the first time, and it featured a video sermon where the pastor gives his message through a big projector screen instead of actually being in the room. I thought I'd be bored since he wasn't engaging with the audience around me, but instead, he captured me for the entire 35-minute sermon. It could have helped that his topic was one that really tugged on my heartstrings: decision-making and changing the course of your life. There were two questions I needed to ask myself: "Am I being completely honest with myself?" and "What's the story I want to tell?"

I think a lot about my significance on this earth (as probably many people do). I know I was destined for greatness, and although I don't know what "greatness" entails, I still feel like there is so much more within me that I haven't tapped into yet. All of this potential is being stifled within me, but I don't know how to release it. I psyche myself out at times. I feel like "I can do this; I can handle this project" but when it comes to putting the rubber to the road, I doubt myself.

There are times that I look back on my life, and although I don't have many regrets (I, in fact, have two and that is it), there are some things I would have loved to see what become of them. I was a member of the speech and debate team in high school, and as much as I loved the actual debates, I hated the prep work for it. I think I was simply unprepared for the brains it took to handle speech and debate at that time. I was a freshman when I began, and if I had stuck it out until I was a junior or senior, I can only imagine how much it would have helped me out in my college career. It also would have helped me determine if pre-law was something I'd be willing to stick with as well. I always had this dream of being an ADA in a courtroom somewhere, fighting the good fight for justice, but lawyers are typically serious and dull and I didn't want to be either.

It was with speech and debate that I learned how to construct an argument and win. Within one season, I earned a varsity letter in speech and debate (but to be fair, it was extremely easy to get a varsity letter in debate). It is good for writing opinion articles, which I did in college, but I still wish I could be better at compiling all of the information that would successfully win an argument every time.

After one year of debate, it was my decision to quit the team, which my parents supported, and that is the story I chose to tell. I don't regret quitting the team, but I just wonder 'what if' I had stayed with the team and improved my skills. Where would I be? Would I be on the fast track to "success," (whatever that is defined as)?

Even though many decisions seem important or life-altering, they really will not change every aspect of your life in the years to come. There were so many drama-filled arguments between best friends or boyfriends, and now, who can figure out what those arguments were even about? It consumed my whole world at the time, but looking back, nothing even triggers a memory of how those arguments began.

I do want to tell a good story, I know that for sure. How to arrive at the best story for me is the only question.

Wisdom

As I'm still trying to sort out my life (and really, who isn't?), I began reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. While not even finished with the book, she brought up a great point - everything that is considered 'genius' has already been said. Any advice that one could use in their life has already been claimed by someone else (even if not in a certain phrasing). For instance, the example Rubin uses is "If you want to know how to lose weight, you need to eat less and exercise more." - While that might click with you depending on the eloquent way of saying that phrase, you already know that eating less and exercising more was the answer.

In addition, what makes one wise? Coco Chanel is credited with saying that a woman should be two things: classy and fabulous. While I agree with Chanel, should she be considered wise because of her famous quote? Marilyn Monroe has a slew of repeated quotes, from "Give a girl the right shoes, and she can rule the world" to "It's better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." Should Monroe be hailed as a wise human being because of it? The same woman with wisdom in her words also had three marriages and rumored affairs with presidents. Does her reason and logic cancel out what occurs in her personal life?

Perhaps it is by personal accord that we define what is wise and what is not. I could become cliche by saying people cannot obtain wisdom alone, but it is by outside forces such as literature, spiritual books, or other life scenarios that teach wisdom in others.

It takes more consideration than simply hearing a thoughtful quote to determine that wisdom is contained within it. Or at least that's what I think - but don't take my word for it.

Here's The Truth.

I debated back and forth about writing this blog many, many times. It seems a little too personal to be bringing up to the general public, but at the same time, I am aware of the voice this could provide to others, and that is more powerful than my hesitations.

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I was molested by a good "friend" of mine while in college. And I hate that because of what HE did to me, I became a statistic.

I was in an environment that I had tried to avoid for months, and yet I found myself in that situation anyway. My "friend" had a girlfriend (who was also a very good friend of mine). When I reminded him of his seemingly other half, he said "Well she won't know anything about this, will she?" This enraged me more than my personal violation. I put together my belongings as soon as I could, and left - but before I could drive away, the gross individual had the nerve to give me a hug as if nothing had happened. I just stood there as he tried to embrace me. I was furious.

And I will never forget calling my dear friend and physically saying to her, "I think I was just molested." I can remember it like it happened yesterday. Once I said it out loud, it gave it more weight and reality. I had actually been molested. Strong, independent me. It was a Sunday, and I longed to go to church as soon as humanly possible. I remember walking into my apartment, taking a long, long shower, and going to church. I have no idea what the service was about or what songs we sang, but I do remember feeling so much happier that I was sitting among friends who would never treat me disrespectfully.

I tried not to let it affect the rest of my life, but for the first few weeks, I had to explain to all of my roommates what had happened and the aftermath of admitting to people what went down (including the girlfriend, who is still with the jerk to this day). I met with a few people as faux "therapy" sessions, which helped a little bit, but my biggest regret was not pressing charges. I should have sent him to jail. I could have - I had the power to! - and I chose not to. I don't know why I thought that wasn't a good plan, but I regret my clouded thinking in that time because if it happened today, I would send him to jail so quick he wouldn't know how he got there.

There is no contact with this former "friend" anymore. The worst was having the memories of the past two years of "friendship" come back to haunt me. Various restaurants we had visited for the first time, funny inside jokes, etc. - All of that was jeopardized by one person's selfishness. Why? Was it worth the cause of losing me as a friend, losing trust from your girlfriend, and losing many people's respect as a human being? He's a monster. He has nothing going for him in life. He is still around, but he doesn't know my whereabouts.

I don't write this for self-pity, because honestly, I wasn't as harmed by being molested as some people are (or were, for years) by other people they knew. Being molested isn't a laughing matter, and more people than you think have a history of being molested. I wish that weren't the case, because it isn't a pleasant experience, but unfortunately that's just how it is. The only thing I can do as a victim is to move on, and grow from the experience. My faith in God didn't waver, even though God "allowed" this to happen - I don't really believe that anyway. The whole ordeal did make me a stronger person and someone more aware of molestation statistics. People always say, "You never think it's going to happen to you..." and I mean, I never thought I would leave college with a questionable experience. But I did, and that was my experience. I hope none of my friends have to go through a similar ordeal, but if they do, I do understand the out-of-body experience after being molested and the eerie feeling of even talking to guys afterwords.

Honestly, sharing my story is the best prevention out there. Don't put yourself in sketchy situations. I had bad feelings about being in this particular situation with my "friend" for months, and yet I finally broke down and put myself in the situation - only for molestation to be the result. Learn from my mistake, and remember that you are NOT at fault. You did NOTHING wrong - He is the one who did it for his own reasons, and all you can do is put it in your past and get some justice for yourself. I wish I had done so.

Even after writing this post that I was so worried about, I feel more empowered after writing it. So thank you for listening, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask me anything. I would love to tell you anything you want to know.

But, what?

So here I am, sitting in my room in Colorado. I moved here almost a month ago now, and all of my stuff is set up for the most part. I have a library card here, so it's pretty official that I've started a life here.

I should be writing all the time. I haven't had anything to do, no friends to meet with or people to see. Although I have started on a string of interviews (none of them journalism-related), I have yet to land a job. So why am I not writing consistently?

What is there to write about? I'm unemployed. What am I experiencing? Boredom, mostly. I did have a wild first two weeks here, going out and meeting strangers (aka: strange men), one of them consisting of a 21-year-old soldier who married and divorced by 19. Also, he had been drinking since 4 p.m. - A real catch.

Other than that, what am I supposed to write about? I have hiked trails, walked around the neighborhood, done shopping... but what is that adding to my life? I have had little victories, such as finding certain brands at certain stores (like vegetarian products - surprisingly hard to find here!).

I've been catching up on the latest movies and television shows. Netflix has never had such a good work out until it met me. And I surprisingly haven't worked out as much as I could be. Heck, I'm awake 16 hours a day and yet can't find an hour to go on a walk or do some squats? It's amazing how the mind can demotivate itself, even in the blandest of times.

I used to think that I could be my own company. For instance, if for some reason I was left in a room by myself for five days without being able to get out, I could entertain myself. Now, I am not so sure. I think if menial things to do, from checking a new store every day for something in particular to taking the dog on a walk just to leave the house. Otherwise, I don't go anywhere - all day! What kind of life am I living?

This whole entry probably seems as if I'm depressed, and I'm not - I actually do love living here, and it's great to have new places to explore and amazing finds such as a dollar theater that still had "Black Swan" showing (Interesting movie, by the way, although I wouldn't need to see it ever again). I catch my breath every time I drive past the mountain range with Pikes Peak in it. I have found some of the greatest radio stations (like an amazing alternative radio station that plays new underground bands that played at SXSW to early 90's Mighty Mighty Bosstones). I have learned what kind of groceries I actually eat, versus the things I hope to eat (read: fruits and vegetables - I know, ironic for a vegetarian).

Honestly, I feel like I've had time to write a hit screenplay by now. I actually intended to write something of that nature, but haven't had the inspiration. How can you have inspiration to write when nothing is occurring to you? Just like the greatest songwriters write during tragedy or extreme joy, I am at a plateau of... nothing. Blandness. I'm flat lining.

Even trying to go out and meet people, I'm ashamed to say "I'm unemployed." I don't think everyone really understands the reality of how pathetic that sounds. Yeah, okay, I just graduated from college, but it's different than if I had just graduated in January. And besides, it's not like I have a plan. I came here without a plan, and I still do not have one. I don't foresee me moving back to Ohio, nor anywhere else, but what am I doing?

I have no idea what the next year will look like for me - nor the next 3 months, nor the next 6 months. I'm just rolling with the punches and hoping for a great outcome. Maybe that's not the greatest unofficial plan there ever was, but I will look back on this time with no regrets. It's not like I could find myself to be happy back in Ohio. I miss my friends and the familiarity, of course, but I wouldn't have been truly happy staying there. So I took a chance. And even if I don't succeed here, I know I'll find many things of value here. Either about myself, others, or the world. And I'm excited about all that.

It's true, whatever that saying is about "idle hands." I am extremely bored, and thinking back to things in my past that do not add any value to my life at all.

If you're in the West at any point in time, please feel free to come share a cup of coffee with me. I'd love the company.