Here's The Truth.

I debated back and forth about writing this blog many, many times. It seems a little too personal to be bringing up to the general public, but at the same time, I am aware of the voice this could provide to others, and that is more powerful than my hesitations.

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I was molested by a good "friend" of mine while in college. And I hate that because of what HE did to me, I became a statistic.

I was in an environment that I had tried to avoid for months, and yet I found myself in that situation anyway. My "friend" had a girlfriend (who was also a very good friend of mine). When I reminded him of his seemingly other half, he said "Well she won't know anything about this, will she?" This enraged me more than my personal violation. I put together my belongings as soon as I could, and left - but before I could drive away, the gross individual had the nerve to give me a hug as if nothing had happened. I just stood there as he tried to embrace me. I was furious.

And I will never forget calling my dear friend and physically saying to her, "I think I was just molested." I can remember it like it happened yesterday. Once I said it out loud, it gave it more weight and reality. I had actually been molested. Strong, independent me. It was a Sunday, and I longed to go to church as soon as humanly possible. I remember walking into my apartment, taking a long, long shower, and going to church. I have no idea what the service was about or what songs we sang, but I do remember feeling so much happier that I was sitting among friends who would never treat me disrespectfully.

I tried not to let it affect the rest of my life, but for the first few weeks, I had to explain to all of my roommates what had happened and the aftermath of admitting to people what went down (including the girlfriend, who is still with the jerk to this day). I met with a few people as faux "therapy" sessions, which helped a little bit, but my biggest regret was not pressing charges. I should have sent him to jail. I could have - I had the power to! - and I chose not to. I don't know why I thought that wasn't a good plan, but I regret my clouded thinking in that time because if it happened today, I would send him to jail so quick he wouldn't know how he got there.

There is no contact with this former "friend" anymore. The worst was having the memories of the past two years of "friendship" come back to haunt me. Various restaurants we had visited for the first time, funny inside jokes, etc. - All of that was jeopardized by one person's selfishness. Why? Was it worth the cause of losing me as a friend, losing trust from your girlfriend, and losing many people's respect as a human being? He's a monster. He has nothing going for him in life. He is still around, but he doesn't know my whereabouts.

I don't write this for self-pity, because honestly, I wasn't as harmed by being molested as some people are (or were, for years) by other people they knew. Being molested isn't a laughing matter, and more people than you think have a history of being molested. I wish that weren't the case, because it isn't a pleasant experience, but unfortunately that's just how it is. The only thing I can do as a victim is to move on, and grow from the experience. My faith in God didn't waver, even though God "allowed" this to happen - I don't really believe that anyway. The whole ordeal did make me a stronger person and someone more aware of molestation statistics. People always say, "You never think it's going to happen to you..." and I mean, I never thought I would leave college with a questionable experience. But I did, and that was my experience. I hope none of my friends have to go through a similar ordeal, but if they do, I do understand the out-of-body experience after being molested and the eerie feeling of even talking to guys afterwords.

Honestly, sharing my story is the best prevention out there. Don't put yourself in sketchy situations. I had bad feelings about being in this particular situation with my "friend" for months, and yet I finally broke down and put myself in the situation - only for molestation to be the result. Learn from my mistake, and remember that you are NOT at fault. You did NOTHING wrong - He is the one who did it for his own reasons, and all you can do is put it in your past and get some justice for yourself. I wish I had done so.

Even after writing this post that I was so worried about, I feel more empowered after writing it. So thank you for listening, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask me anything. I would love to tell you anything you want to know.

But, what?

So here I am, sitting in my room in Colorado. I moved here almost a month ago now, and all of my stuff is set up for the most part. I have a library card here, so it's pretty official that I've started a life here.

I should be writing all the time. I haven't had anything to do, no friends to meet with or people to see. Although I have started on a string of interviews (none of them journalism-related), I have yet to land a job. So why am I not writing consistently?

What is there to write about? I'm unemployed. What am I experiencing? Boredom, mostly. I did have a wild first two weeks here, going out and meeting strangers (aka: strange men), one of them consisting of a 21-year-old soldier who married and divorced by 19. Also, he had been drinking since 4 p.m. - A real catch.

Other than that, what am I supposed to write about? I have hiked trails, walked around the neighborhood, done shopping... but what is that adding to my life? I have had little victories, such as finding certain brands at certain stores (like vegetarian products - surprisingly hard to find here!).

I've been catching up on the latest movies and television shows. Netflix has never had such a good work out until it met me. And I surprisingly haven't worked out as much as I could be. Heck, I'm awake 16 hours a day and yet can't find an hour to go on a walk or do some squats? It's amazing how the mind can demotivate itself, even in the blandest of times.

I used to think that I could be my own company. For instance, if for some reason I was left in a room by myself for five days without being able to get out, I could entertain myself. Now, I am not so sure. I think if menial things to do, from checking a new store every day for something in particular to taking the dog on a walk just to leave the house. Otherwise, I don't go anywhere - all day! What kind of life am I living?

This whole entry probably seems as if I'm depressed, and I'm not - I actually do love living here, and it's great to have new places to explore and amazing finds such as a dollar theater that still had "Black Swan" showing (Interesting movie, by the way, although I wouldn't need to see it ever again). I catch my breath every time I drive past the mountain range with Pikes Peak in it. I have found some of the greatest radio stations (like an amazing alternative radio station that plays new underground bands that played at SXSW to early 90's Mighty Mighty Bosstones). I have learned what kind of groceries I actually eat, versus the things I hope to eat (read: fruits and vegetables - I know, ironic for a vegetarian).

Honestly, I feel like I've had time to write a hit screenplay by now. I actually intended to write something of that nature, but haven't had the inspiration. How can you have inspiration to write when nothing is occurring to you? Just like the greatest songwriters write during tragedy or extreme joy, I am at a plateau of... nothing. Blandness. I'm flat lining.

Even trying to go out and meet people, I'm ashamed to say "I'm unemployed." I don't think everyone really understands the reality of how pathetic that sounds. Yeah, okay, I just graduated from college, but it's different than if I had just graduated in January. And besides, it's not like I have a plan. I came here without a plan, and I still do not have one. I don't foresee me moving back to Ohio, nor anywhere else, but what am I doing?

I have no idea what the next year will look like for me - nor the next 3 months, nor the next 6 months. I'm just rolling with the punches and hoping for a great outcome. Maybe that's not the greatest unofficial plan there ever was, but I will look back on this time with no regrets. It's not like I could find myself to be happy back in Ohio. I miss my friends and the familiarity, of course, but I wouldn't have been truly happy staying there. So I took a chance. And even if I don't succeed here, I know I'll find many things of value here. Either about myself, others, or the world. And I'm excited about all that.

It's true, whatever that saying is about "idle hands." I am extremely bored, and thinking back to things in my past that do not add any value to my life at all.

If you're in the West at any point in time, please feel free to come share a cup of coffee with me. I'd love the company.

Live, from New York, it's Saturday night!

While everyone else was dreaming to be a ballet dancer, a fireman, or an astronaut, I had a different wishlist for my life. And although I did love the idea of being an astronaut (even though I am terrible at science), more than anything, I dreamed of being a host on Saturday Night Live.

More specifically, I imagined what kind of poses I would do for my pictures before and after commercial breaks. Those little photos show so much about a person, and I always thought "What poses could I do that are completely original and have never been done before?" I am no genius with photography, so those original ideas usually came slow.

In addition to hosting, I always thought I'd be the first Abby on SNL. I just had to be. Unfortunately, that dream came to a crushing end about two years ago when Abby Elliot (daughter of Chris Elliot, a former cast member) joined the cast. Even though I majored in journalism and could never ever do stand up even if I had Ellen DeGeneres as my coach, my self-esteem was still bruised when I saw Abby Elliot had become a featured player.

Reading an article in Rolling Stone magazine about Jimmy Fallon last night (and after watching the hilarious episode of SNL with Jesse Eisenberg - and the real Mark Zuckerberg) helped me rediscover that love for SNL and my dreams of joining (or hosting) are still intact.

"I remember saying to myself, 'If I don't make it on Saturday Night Live before I'm 25, I'm going to kill myself,'" [Fallon] casually confesses one night. "It's crazy. I had no other plan. I didn't have friends, I didn't have a girlfriend, I didn't have anything going on. I had my career, that was it." As much as I love SNL and would give anything to see a taping live (and have entered the lottery for SNL seats about five years in a row, to no avail), I'm not as drastic as Jimmy to say I'd kill myself if I never was a part of the show. I have applied for NBC Page positions multiple times, never to hear back from NBC/GE.

This is not supposed to be a sob story about how I'll never be on stage at SNL, but if I were ever asked to host SNL for some crazy reason, I know I would savor every moment that I was there. Is it warped to have the dream that I become successful enough to host SNL? I would love that kind of lifestyle, for a little while, anyway. I couldn't be a dramatic actor or a comedian, but I would love to be enough of a topical newsworthy person in order to host SNL - that would be my greatest achievement and I dare say I'd be fine dying right after the show was over. It wouldn't get any better than that.

Lorne Michaels, if you read this, and are looking for any help whatsoever (I'd happily clean the writer's room every night if you needed it done), just understand you would help make my dreams come true.

Jimmy Fallon didn't have a master plan in order for him to host his own late night talk show, but now look at where he is. It started with a little dream of being on SNL, and now he has a wife and famous friends and the best late night band in the Roots. It seems that Fallon's success couldn't have happened to a greater guy, and I would hope that my success could be a sliver of what he experiences daily.

Let's not be cliche...

With the new year, I am becoming like the other 75% of Americans who make the resolution of losing weight. But unlike the majority, I will actually keep this promise to myself for a happier, healthy life.

First of all, I am setting myself some ground rules so that habits are created and stick with me into my adult journey. I've completed my Bachelors, I'm moving on to a new city and a new life (although the last two are TBD).

Some rules for the next following days/weeks/months, until they become habitual:
1) Drink only 225 calories of liquids per day. I read in "Women's Health" that the average person drinks approximately 450 calories a day, which could be the same as a small meal. So, first rule is I must limit my drinking from sodas, wine/beer, etc.

2) If I head to the gym, I must clock in at least three miles on the treadmill. Whether that be running, walking, or a combo of the two, I must do three miles on the treadmill. If I do the elliptical or bike, three miles would be acceptable as well - but I usually don't use the elliptical or bike often, so that's basically a moot point.

3) I need to reduce my refined carb intake. There isn't a set limit on that, which might get me in trouble, but I know that it will be the key to my success. My carb intake is out the roof right now... Bagels for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (or so it feels like).

4) I want/need to bring my weight down. I'm currently at 135, and although that is not overweight for my height (5'4), it is still on the higher end of the spectrum, so I'd like to get down to approximately 125 - and to stay at that weight. Also, my jeans used to be a loose 8 or tight 6 last year, when I worked out nearly every day, and now they're a snug 8. In inches, my waist toggles between 28 and 31 inches. It would be great to know my waist was under 30 inches with certainty, and if I could fit comfortably into a size 6, I'd be even happier.

5) I don't want to set a number on how many days I must go to the gym, mostly because I feel like once you don't meet that number, you feel defeated and then you get discouraged and into a downward spiral you go. So I would like to say that I want to make room for exercise daily, even if it's a 15-minute walk, or doing squats and push ups during commercial breaks while watching TV.

6) Probably the most important rule is putting healthier foods into my body as a whole. I became a vegetarian a little over a year ago, and so far it has been great (although I still eat fish for protein, but I am trying to cut that out slowly but surely). Being a vegetarian isn't for animal rights or diet, but mostly because I am not a fan of big businesses or food processing. There is a lot of animal cruelty when certain businesses that run the, say, chicken industry because they need chicken at a much faster pace than what normal, healthy chickens grow - but that isn't the sole reason I became a vegetarian. If you ever get a chance to watch the documentaries "Food Matters" or "Food, Inc." those films helped me stop eating poultry, when I was done eating red meat. I don't try to press this lifestyle on others (especially guys, because I know they love their meat-and-potato dinners), but if you are curious about vegetarianism, I am more than happy to answer any questions.
All of that to say: I don't eat as many fruits and vegetables as possible. And not the occasional yogurt or hidden vegetable, but actual natural fruits and vegetables. For instance, I will incorporate red pepper strips into my diet as a snack with ranch dip instead of always grabbing crackers. Making simple switches that will add to my health will be great for me in the long run.

So, those main six rules are what I am hoping to revolve my life around so that I am a healthier person. I ran a 5k in October, and although I have ran since then, it is still few and far between. I have no excuse not to work out more than I do now - I can easily make the time to do simple, effective exercises daily.

If anyone has a recipe they want to offer or try, I'd love to be a part of that too - I have been writing down recipes for the past couple of days to try (including lettuce cups filled with light tuna salad, or making my own fried rice). If anyone else has some surefire work out methods, I'm completely open to that as well.

Since you are reading this, I want you to keep me accountable for what I am doing in terms of my health. It is important to know where I am falling in terms of my diet or exercise. Even if I don't feel like working out, I know that 10-15 minutes walking outside can improve my mood (which has been clinically proven). There is no excuse, and I will lose approximately 10 pounds this year (although that sounds slightly scary as I type that).

Thank you for reading,
-A

Moving On Up

While on my Thanksgiving break from school (which could not have come any earlier...), my cell phone two-year plan was up, so it was time to upgrade. In my mind, I was assuming we'd show up, get a free upgrade to a sort of nicer phone, and be done with it. It turns out that I was too choose-y with my cell phone selections. I told the salesperson that I didn't want a touch screen, and I didn't want a Blackberry. That left me with two options: both that were extremely similar to my old phone, which was (in my opinion) good.

I wasn't really ready to give up the phone I loved, but I was sick of its' poor performance (it would shut off during text messages or in the middle of phone calls). I wanted something similar, and I wasn't ready to get into the world of smart phones just yet. My peers seem to feel that Blackberrys or iPhones are necessary, when really, they are not. No one needs to have Internet browsers on their phone, especially when every one of my peers also has a laptop that can search the Internet. Why look at a two-inch screen when you can view a 17-inch screen? Still, that idea baffles me.

I called my brother, who has a smart phone, and he said he would rather get rid of Internet from his laptop. I couldn't even imagine my laptop without Internet (well, actually, because my parents don't have WiFi, I don't have Internet on my laptop... so basically, it stays off during all trips back home).

My dad heavily hinted at the steadfast move toward all smart phones in the near future. He didn't want to force the newest smart phone on me, but at the same time, he didn't want me to be behind on the times among my peers in the competitive work force.

I really didn't want to give up my comfort of my cell phone, but I did recognize that receiving the latest news and e-mails on my phone rather than on my computer had its advantages. All in all, I ended up with a new smart phone, against my original wishes, but without full Internet capability (because I still would rather look at websites in their full size). It is so strange with the change of systems, and I hate figuring out what all of the little symbols mean when they flash on my phone.

I don't want to hate on my generation, but the simple capabilities of texting and phone calls are enough for me. I don't want all the extra apps, browsers, and other random bells and whistles that everyone else seems to feel is "necessary." It does feel nice to be ahead of the curve (slightly) with the newer smart phone, but I already miss my old phone. I know it'll be better for me in the long run, especially in my career.

Does anyone else have a smart phone, or does anyone regret not getting a smart phone? Let me know :) Am I the only one who feels like going back to landlines (maybe with the exception of texting)? It'd be nice to live a simple life and not able to be contacted at all hours of the day. It's quieter, and sometimes that quiet can be nice.

(500) Days

Reasons Why I Should Become More Like Summer Finn from (500) Days of Summer:

1) She has a great sense of personal style. Although everything she wears isn’t perfect or the best outfit for her body type, she still makes it work.

2) She is bold about her values and fights for what she believes in. At the same time, she isn’t close-minded.

3) She apologizes before the sun sets upon her anger. She settles the score quickly, even if it isn’t a perfect resolution.

4) Summer is interested in off-the-wall things, which therefore makes her interesting.

5) Summer lays her feelings out on the line, without facing vulnerability.

Although there are so many, many other reasons that I should be more like Summer Finn, I must also find a balance between becoming her and being like Tom Hansen. Perfect, wonderful, glorious Tom Hansen. He's practically perfect in every way, just like Mary Poppins.

This One's For You.

Here in Cologne
I know I said it wrong
I walked you to the train
And back across alone
To my hotel room
And ordered me some food
And now I'm wondering why the floor has suddenly become a moving target

Four, three, two, one,
I'm letting you go
I will let go
If you will let go

Says here an astronaut
Put on a pair of diapers
Drove eighteen hours
To kill her boyfriend
And in my hotel room, I'm wondering
If you read that story too?
And if we both might
Be having the same imaginary conversation

Four, three, two, one,
I'm letting you go
I will let go
If you will let go

Weightless as I close my eyes
The ceiling opens in disguise

Such a painful trip
To find out this is it
And as I go to sleep
You'll be waking up

Four, three, two, one,
I'm letting you go
I will let go
If you will let go

[Ben Folds]