Moment by Moment

Sometimes there are days where I feel my breath getting caught in my chest. My emotional state can sometimes take the very wind out of me. There are, unfortunately, things I wish I could get out of my system and out of my memory.

They say that men think of things like waffles, and girls see things like spaghetti. In this example, men are able to compartmentalize their emotions, their feelings about people, or work, etc. Women, on the other hand, feel all of their feelings about every subject all at once - just like spaghetti is intertwined.

I wish I was able to compartmentalize my feelings. It would be much easier to not let certain feelings overrule how I feel throughout the day or dictate the fulfillment of my day.

People always tell me that I'm so strong, but when it comes to just me, by myself, I feel so broken down. My walls are only down to myself, and in that vulnerability, I can see so many flaws or tiny fractions of memories that I thought were tucked away that unfortunately come to the surface during my solitude. Things I should be over, things I shouldn't care about, things I thought I didn't obsess over. Apparently it is only when I am with people that all of those feelings go away, but when I am by myself, it is when I am the worst off. Perhaps it is like they say, that people can become their own worst enemy. I feel like my thought process brings out the worst in me at times. I become the weakest, or the most vengeful, or the pettiest.

Deep breaths remind me that I'm still battling. Deep breaths are the only external thing that show the internal struggle. Deep breaths help me work through the pain that has become my own guarded tower during my loneliness.