Bookends.

It's funny how love consumes everyone at one time or another.

A friend of mine said that although he is 20, and thinks he is too immature for a serious relationship, cannot wait to be married. He wants to get married as soon as humanly possible, and he can't wait to find that perfect girl to make his wife. And when he first told me, I thought, "Who doesn't want to love and be loved in return? Isn't that what we all want in life?"

Looking back, my longest relationship has been only four months long. Not even half a year. Although the idea of marriage sounds blessedly wonderful, and I cannot wait for this to occur, I don't even think I'm ready for a long-term relationship to begin with. I don't have any idea what a long-term relationship even looks like (other than of course my friends or family). In my life, I'm such a live spark that I think it either wears people out easily, or I'm a bit too crazy for anyone's own good. Not that I'm willing to change everything that I am, but I can't say I blame guys for thinking I'm a bit nutty.

It's bizarre for me to think of myself in a long-term relationship. My roommate said that I'm so free-spirited that she can't see me being tied down, and I completely agree. I want to be someone's support system, and I want to be someone's partner. But I also want to find someone who lets me balance them out (as well as them balance me) and to find that person who dominates me, rather than the other way around.

As I listen to sappy songs such as "Bookends" by Simon and Garfunkel, all about love lost, I realize that I wish I had those experiences to love and be loved in return. There are glimpses, sure, but I can't set glimpses side-by-side and say I've experienced love or something like it. I can't wait to be heartbroken, just for the experience... is that strange? I've experienced the gut wrenching pain of loss from people who have disappointed me before, but nothing on the magnitude of what I imagine losing a loved one is. Many disappoint, and yet no one has even gotten close to capture my heart.

Am I unconquerable? I don't want to say, "This is all my fault," because I do feel that there is a perfect person for everyone, and yet I cast that belief from television shows, movies, plays, poetry. It must be a shed of truth to all of that, right? Even the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet... was true love blind in a magnificent way? They still were married. They shared a married life together, albeit a short one. Surely I can't expect life to be like television/movies/plays/poetry, but I can gather that what I have felt is not anywhere close to what others have felt when in a meaningful relationship.

I'm jealous. I don't want my life to be like the movies, but it would be nice to have that feeling that sappy love songs are really true, even with their cliches. It'd be nice to believe that.

In other news, about 20 days until Spring Break. I'm heading to SXSW to visit my sister, brother-in-law, brother, and his girlfriend. I cannot wait! It shall be glorious. It has to be. It's my last spring break in college, so I have extremely high expectations. :)