First Day Of My Life.

I am volunteering at our local library this week, and am given a lot of monotonous tasks to fill the day. Although that sees boring to many, it is great for me because it gives me hours upon hours to think. Usually, when given boring tasks for hours, the most perfect story ideas come into my head or simple memories from my past will come to the forefront of my mind. Today, though, was not one of the necessarily enjoyable thinking sessions that occurred.

I was listening to Pandora, on probably my new favorite station based off of Death Cab for Cutie. "First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes came on within a few first songs. This song has happy memories between me and a good friend of mine, but when I listened to the lyrics this time around, I was suddenly stricken with sadness. The lyrics that really struck me were: "I think I was blind before I met you/ Now I don’t know where I am/ I don’t know where I’ve been/ But I know where I want to go," "And you said “this is the first day of my life/ I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you/ But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you/ And I’d probably be happy,” and "maybe this time is different/ I mean I really think you like me." Even looking up those lyrics were hard for me - seeing the emotions that Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes) wrote on some pad of paper, somewhere, hurt in a weird way. I'm jealous that he has felt those things that I have yet to feel with someone else.

I thought that I would finally experience a love such as that in "First Day of my Life" but yet, I haven't. In addition to replaying that song in my head, I thought of all the failed boy situations in my life. The most recent feels the most hurtful, partially because it is still fresh, but also partially because I felt like it was cut too short.

Another song heard today was Death Cab For Cutie's "I Will Possess Your Heart." The lines "I wish you could see the potential/ the potential of you and me" are precisely how I feel about the former flame of mine. Things felt so comfortable and easy with him. It was effortless, and we shared so many of the same opinions. We seemed to have it figured out, but once I left his presence it was as if we fell pages apart from each other. Something occurred when we were no longer together - who knows if I suffered from the crazy girl syndrome of blowing everything that happened out of proportion (which I'm sure I did to some extent), but being with him felt so organic and so unique. I can't get over what I felt when I was with him. I was a better, more feminine version of myself. And I liked that. I liked feeling more feminine than how I usually am. I normally put myself in such a tough exterior to not appear soft or weak. I allowed myself to feel vulnerable in front of him, and I trusted him with that. Then to have that feeling of security and trust yanked away?

Well, okay, so this was incredibly rambly and vague, but I just had to get this feeling of singleness out of my head and out of my heart. I am sick of being single, for sure, and it has been a long, tough road for the past three years of being single. I wish the games were over; I wish I had someone to hold hands with when I'm doing something as mundane as grocery shopping. The yearning is unbearable at times, and apparently today was one of those times. I can't believe I almost started crying when hearing Bright Eyes. It's so silly, but sometimes emotions make no sense. I guess they don't have to.