Security.

All she knew is that she needed a voice to hear her pleas. She wasn't demanding attention, but simply wanted to know she was cared for. She held out her hand, waiting for someone to reach out and put their hand around hers. A boy, not whom she'd expected, looked at her with soft eyes, eager to listen to her meekness. She spoke about the ebbs and flows of her life, how she drifted in and out of belonging. He was sympathetic, yet not all-consuming of her body, which was exactly what she needed. He stood strong with her in the battles she faced, even as just a humble companion amongst her war that lay ahead. He was her equal, willing to go through anything she struggled with. He was her ears when she couldn't see outside of herself. He wasn't anyone significant, according to him, but to her, he was her whole world. He would remain monumental in her book for that simple act of showing an interest. He cared for her, even if it wasn't of a sexual nature. He heard her pleas when no one else would shift their focus outside of their own troubles. He was exactly what she needed, and she cherished him for it. He never understood - all he did was hold out his hand to grab hers. But to her, that was all she needed to feel secure again. All she needed was that outstretched hand.

Letters

There are letters that I wrote months ago. These are letters that contain so much more emotion than I could ever share. I still cannot bear to read the letters. So much raw feeling was compacted into such a small space between the notebook and the pen.

I lost the notebook for a few weeks... It felt nice to find it piled under the other rubble of my life - not because I was happy to see it, but rather because it signified to me that the emotions it held were buried so I was no longer taxed by them.

The letters that notebook contained were ones never meant to see the light of day.  They were never to be sent.  They were never to be read aloud.  I've contemplated burning the letters, one-by-one, without reading them a second time.  Thinking about why I needed to write those in the first place still throws me back into that emotional state (unfortunately).

Do I pretend the letters do not exist? Do I bury the notebook again for it to never resurface? Do I hand the notebook off to someone else, so that they can hold my burdens in a physical form?

I am not afraid of how I felt or what I felt in those moments of weakness.  The letters were caused my frustration, sadness, hurt, vulnerability and pain but yet those were all natural feelings I could not bottle up, though I tried.

A big step was taken a week ago when I chose to use the notebook once again...yet I was plagued by the previous pages that haunt my heart.  I knew if I turned one page the wrong way, my feelings and wounds would be exposed, burning with the air.

Which is better: to face those feelings so I can move on, or is it easier to move on by not stepping backwards emotionally to read them once more? It is as simple as thinking, "Do the means justify the end? Or does the end justify the means?" That battle is still raging within my heart.  I don't know if any side deserves to win.

Texting Lessons

A friend and I went out for a late-night coffee chat, and found the cutest coffee shop downtown. Of course, conversation turned to boys. Discussing proposals, relationships, and overall dating tips, I was reminded that if a guy is actually attempting to date you, he'll do so with more than just a texting relationship with you.

It's no secret that sending texts back and forth between guys and girls is an easy way to find out how each other feels, yet it's all information that neither party would give up so quickly if in person. Texting is such a cop out. Instead of really working for a relationship to work, you can just text and get a sense of "getting to know someone" without going through the motions and spending the quality time together. How romantic will it be to tell your kids "Well, we spend hours and hours texting back and forth, in separate rooms, while preoccupied with other things, and it was just so intimate and special"? Please. Romance stories will never be written from the point of view of modern technology.

It's kind of a shame that seeking someone out for dinner or coffee is now a rare breed of human beings. When a guy asks a girl out for coffee to get to know each other, it's as if he is taking a giant leap for all men of his generation. There are still men who enjoy being in the same room as a female! Spending time with her! Man, he is just a diamond in the rough. It's sad that more men aren't this way, when instead they rely on technology to break down the walls without spending any quality time together.

I remember one time, as a freshman in college, a guy from my "brother dorm" (read: like fraternities have sister sororities, it's the same idea) who Facebook messaged me for a week straight, and we knew everything about each other and yet we hadn't even met face-to-face yet. So we decided to meet and go to church together one morning. First of all, it was awkward trying to meet and officially shake hands and introduce ourselves, even though I knew his whole life story. Then I have to hang out with him in pseudo-silence during church? It was just an awkward experience from beginning to end.

Men definitely still need to pursue the ladies, especially because it's the gentlemanly thing to do and they enjoy the chase, but it has to be through the right medium. Save texting for confirmation texts such as "Dinner at 6:30 tonight?" instead of full-on conversations. I'd much rather hear a man's voice, listening to not only his words but his tone of voice. The way a man speaks reveals so much about him that you wouldn't realize until you pay attention. What he's passionate about, how he speaks, word choice, sarcasm, etc. - There is so much more to learn that cannot be discovered through text messaging. Just put the phones away. If a guy wants to talk to you, he'll find a way to do it.

Seriously. If a guy wants to talk to you, he'll find a way how. Don't try and force it. Really.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness

I feel I have grown so much in the past year, even though I still feel as though I'm stuck in 'pause mode' that has become my life lately. Moving out on my own, doing things my way, making decisions based on me and not my parents' recommendations (even hunting for new doctors was a weird process).

It recently occurred to me that life has this weird double-standard: You are not guaranteed happiness, but if you're unhappy, everyone urges you to change your life so that you become not so. Therefore, we can handle contentment, but not unhappiness? And as such, I have realized that if I am unhappy, it is only up to me to change it.

I have searched for a full-time position in anything (really) for an entire year. Last October, I was still in school, but applying constantly so I would be able to forgo the whole "live with the parents" scenario. Unfortunately, no one has even interviewed me in the past year. I don't know if the issue is with my issue with selling myself or my talents, or that everyone who applied had more experience than me - no one will ever know, but I have come to find that I don't have much faith in my abilities. I know what I am "better than," but I don't know what I can truly achieve.

In my head, I have always been capable of being famous. I think I'd be great at it - Not Britney Spears-level fame, but more...Anderson Cooper fame. He can be serious, funny, have a great fan base, and still live a typically normal life. I always thought that would be the life for me, even though I don't know how to reach that goal. I will be famous, but for what reason? That has still yet to be determined...but in order to reach that level of success, it seems as though I need to believe in myself. I truly don't. It's a harrowing experience when you realize that you can only depend on yourself, yet I don't even have faith in what I can do. I don't even know who I am.

Self-discovery is the next goal for my life. More importantly than a job, more than being happy, I want to be able to depend on my skills and have the confidence that I will succeed. I lack that confidence that everything will turn out okay.

Another real-world experience that I was not expecting was the inability to "reach the next step" in your life as easily as it was in college. For instance, if you want to succeed in college, you could have poor grades but then you study harder, meet with the professor, go to study groups, take your time on tests, etc. and your hard work should be eventually rewarded. In the real world, it hasn't been as simple as apply more, talk to more people, re-write your resume (again and again), re-write your cover letter (thousands of times over), and yet... no reward is guaranteed. Whereas in college, you can dig yourself out of an academic hole, the real world does not show you as much mercy. You're dug in a hole, and the shovel is thrown about a mile away.

It's easier said than done to "believe in yourself," or "apply as much as you can," or "get to know the right people." But either way, I'm going to try. Like my roommate said, "Now is the time to try," and who cares if you fail? I'm still young, and I still have a lot of things to understand. But if I want to stop being unhappy, something needs to change, and I'm willing to do that.

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea."

This has been a tough road for me. I have felt more stressed than I feel like I ever have in my entire life. I've been through tough issues before, but it feels like this has been the longest stretch of time where I have felt completely lost and helpless. I don't have a direction for my life, and I don't know what is right or wrong. I like the city that I am in, but I don't like who I am becoming.

Even though there are many blessings around me, I still bring out the most negative part of every situation. I hate this quality about myself, especially when I am typically a happy, pleasant person.

I know I need a change or else my stress and anger will swallow me whole. There are days where I feel like packing everything into my car, and driving to the ocean for a fresh start. Somewhere that does not know my name or where I've been. At the edge of the ocean, all of my problems will simply melt away.

Does every 20-something go through this? I feel like I'm still so alone, even though everyone my age doesn't really know who they are just yet. I hear of other classmates' success and instead of being happy for them, I feel more weight on my shoulders to start my life. I know I was made for bigger and better things, but I cannot decide whether staying in this place is beneficial since I already have some connections created, but if my skin is itching to leave, where is the better place to go?

I don't want to run or escape my problems, but I just know in my heart that I was not meant to be doing what I am with my life. I feel like my life is passing me by, and it just started. I am not happy with my pseudo-successes here.

I do not feel prepared for life, but from what I know, I should be happier with my choices. I shouldn't be so upset. I shouldn't want to cry every day. What is this life? I barely recognize it myself.

Maybe it is time to sell everything I own, buy a boat, and live on the sea where my problems cannot find me.

The Happiness Project

About a year ago, I went through a personal cleansing where I attempted to figure out who I am (which you can read here). Now, I feel like it's time for a tune-up, based off of the book I am currently reading, "The Happiness Project," by Gretchen Rubin.

In the book, Rubin researched famous theologians, philosophers, and spiritual books to define what happiness truly is. She planned to do little things differently each month, from "No nagging my husband" to "Act the way you wish to act." Some were simple and easy to do (such as "do anything immediately if it takes less than five minutes to do"), while some were tougher ("be exceptionally nice for a week, never being angry or losing your cool"). The book is extremely fascinating, and I haven't even finished the book. I don't know the conclusion yet, but the realizations that she has come to find already shows me that simple switches, like walking at least 10,000 steps a day, easily improve your mood and daily life.

I still don't exactly know who I am, or where I am supposed to be (as probably any early-20's person feels), but there are minor changes I want to make in my life so that when I do make decisions or find out new things about myself, my mind is clear and with the best intentions for my life. One of my first "rules" is that I must be outside at least 20 minutes a day. Whether it is from walking, or sitting outside, as long as I am in the great outdoors, I can see how much calmer and energized I am. Nature is one thing I have always connected with, especially fresh green grass. Secondly, I want to listen to at least one worship song per day. As I was listening to a Christian radio station the other day, I realized that I did not know any recent Christian songs or new artists. I need to make an effort to keep Christian music in my vocabulary, as it used to be something that defined my attitude (with a lot of Relient K, dc Talk, and Jars of Clay). I already made a worship CD for me to listen to in the car at all times, but I need to be reading more Relevant magazines and keeping up on Christian culture. Music has the power to transform my mood in such a profound, strong way that it has to be of bigger importance in my life.

I'm still trying to figure out what else I want to add to my "must" list of things I do every day, but I figure this is a good start. Walking every day was essential last year while getting through some issues, and I think walking will definitely help again to clarify my thoughts. It's always nice to take a step back, figure out what I really want from my life, and what I need in order to be successful (and to even define what "success" truly is).

Cataloging Bad Habits

In Augusten Burrough's book, "Dry," he details his stint in rehab for his alcohol abuse. In one of the first chapters of his book, he describes the initial rehabilitation session where the leader asked him to write down how much he drank, at what age he began drinking, and how frequently he drank when he did drink. He was also asked to write down any other substances he had used, even if just trying them once. After writing down all of the information he could remember, Augusten took a step back and realized how heavy his drinking (and other substances) actually was. It hadn't hit him that he drank an abnormal amount of alcohol until that first moment. He didn't even think he needed to be in rehab, but was doing it to appease his employer.

It was the worst form of honesty, because for the first time in however long Augusten had been drinking, he proved to himself that he was an alcoholic. He couldn't deny his addiction any longer, and instead faced the truth directly. I think that it is good, yet brutal, to do this to ourselves from time to time. Pastor Josh Henderson states that we can deal with our problems one of three ways: the first, to deny the issue. Secondly, you can hold the secret in and deal with it privately within yourself. The third (and right) way is to confront the issue head-on. Clearly, this wouldn't be the easiest option because it causes you to be extremely vulnerable and truly honest with yourself and others. Tough conversations follow with confrontation, but ultimately, those are the healthiest conversations to have.

Luke 12:3-4 tells us that anything that is done in private or with a secret intention will eventually be brought to light and shouted off of rooftops. In the case of Augusten Burroughs, it was he himself that shouted his own truth off of a rooftop, even if he hadn't originally intended to do so. He was his own scapegoat.

It hurts when we expose ourselves for what we are. It's the same reason why I will never do a food diary - yes, I want to be honest, but if I can't even write down truthfully how many brownies I ate for dessert, why should I be lying to a piece of paper? Being honest with ourselves should be the easiest thing, but often, it is also the most ugly thing we can do - to expose who we really are without looking away from the mirror. We can change our ugly habits, and we can improve our lives from that point on, but until we are able to bring up our true selves to the surface, we will forever be stifled by our worst handicap.

This week, I wasn't able to hide behind the issues that were buried deep inside me, and it was scary to imagine other people knowing the evils I had within me, but I felt such freedom after those conversations took place.

"The right thing is not always the easy thing." - summarized in 2 Timothy 4:1-10